This isn't a sympathy post or anything like that. This is my alternate account. I've been seriously considering suicide. Im 16, I'm just tired and bored of life. Im pretty accomplished in my opinion. I'm a very intelligent individual. I don't use my my skills and abilities to my maximum potential. I've basically wasted everything. I could make it into an ivy league if I really wanted too. I guess I just dont don't have the drive or motivation. I have tons of self hatred. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate when people take pictures with me. I dread photos. I'm really fucked up in the head in my opinion. I like documentaries and stuff like that. I always tell my friends about some of them. People find it disturbing that I remember facts and things about specific cases. I've always been interested in psychology and things of that nature. I like crime documentaries and movies alike. I also enjoy psychological thrillers. To put it simply I enjoy things that the average person shouldn't. I have too much knowledge that could be used for good or bad. I have nightmares almost everynight, I can remember them in great detail. I strive for validation. I'm just done. I want to end my life. I won't but I really really want too. All I am to people is someone to make them feel good. Whether that be emotional or physical. I miss the way my mom used to be before she started doing drugs. I miss when she had her own place. I miss living with her. I miss when my siblings and I were her number one priority. I miss the image I used to have of her, a hardworking caring and gentle mom. That image was tainted when I would see her snorting and smoking pills along with smoking heroin. Those small squares of aluminum foil with black burnt streaks all acrossed it, a smell almost of melted sugar. The melted have cut straws. Lines of pills being snorted while I sat in the backseat watching. I will never be able to get those images out of my mind and the way it made me feel. There's tons more to that but then this post would become a book. She's clean now but she's not on her feet. I live with my dad now. He used to be a heavy drinker when he got out of the military but not anymore. Its him, his girlfriend and her two kids. We dont ever eat together. We're not really a family it's more split. I have so many bad childhood memories and I can't get over it. Im struggling. Im failing 5/6 of my classes rn. 3 of which are AP classes. I dont open up much. I told my friend a little bit about this once and his response was "Aye ask your mom is she can get me some drugs" I just can't really cope with my past.
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