A Spiritual Journey

Memoir I

Forward: This is a personal account of spiritual events that have occurred in my life over the past four years. This is difficult for me, and I may hold anxiety, but I believe it is important to share. I’m not making claims to know anything for certain and would not dismiss any skepticism. However, I hope this may be a positive influence to anyone who reads. As a cautionary, this story includes times both good and bad. I advise anyone who wishes to read to please do so at your own discretion. Thank you.

The beginning

It began with AA. I finally had a sponsor and was doing the step work. At the same time as I working toward a new path of enlightenment, I was doing a lot of philosophy. This mainly revolved around the almost certain possibility of the existence of interstellar beings, and what it would be like to encounter another intelligent race. And that perhaps, we aren’t alone.

It was in June of 2016, when I had an experience in which it felt as though an entity, God was showing me my true self for a moment, devoid of human defects of character. It was a higher perspective on myself, and I looked down at my faults, swearing to myself I would be changed. I was shocked. I remember a glass shattering to the floor as I felt certain I had just encountered a spiritual world.

It began gradually, but soon it felt as though spirits in human figures were flowing through me. I could feel their presence, and their love.

It came to be that I was having spiritual experiences throughout the day, and that I could communicate with my mind. Various figures seemed to flow through me. These were highly intelligent beings, with a range of emotion greater than ours.

I remember meeting a girl who I believe could be my spiritual soul mate and life companion. She kept telling me there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Punishment

One evening I had an encounter with what felt like a very wise figure. We had philosophical conversations with our thoughts. When I realized it could be God, I was reminded of my past sins; a carnage of alcoholism and addiction. I remember asking; “is there any way you could forgive me?” I remember him sighing and saying; “I’ll see what I can do.”

This, was the beginning of my punishment. It would be, over the course of three to four weeks, that I would experience God’s anger upon me, as it was to be my own personal Hell on earth.

It occurred that summer, during my family reunion. I can be recalled being frantic, saying such things as; “I’m going to Hell.” At times, I truly believed I was.

It was at my aunts cottage, when God presented me with two alternatives: One, being banned from the kingdom of Heaven and cast to Hell. Or, another chance. It was there, that God forgave me.

I remember him saying: “Congratulations. You are the saviour of the 21st century. But you will never go down in history.” I was able to finally muster up the courage to play with the band that night.

Spiritual Activities

I was graduating from college. At the same time, I was being further caught up in spiritual activities.

It was sometime over the course of that summer, that I met a figure whom they would have me believe could be Jesus. In the beginning, he would arrive for brief moments, offering words of wisdom. I would pay respect and bow. In the beginning, it was mutual.

However, from their point of view, I was unholy and unclean. I was made to clean my entire apartment with strong attention to detail. I changed my clothes, I ate with etiquette. I would bow, and pay respect. I would practice my own gratitude, as I felt now to be at their mercy.

After graduating, I began work at the Halifax Citadel as a military re-enactor. God put me to the test. I would do my best to perform the job to the best of my ability.

Throughout this time, was a conflict. I had lost the girl to the Jesus figure. She had been impressed upon by another world, and saw me relatively as a child. I had to win her back, and put all my energy into being the best I could. Eventually, as things intensified, she decided to come back down.

In November, my seasonal job had ended, and I was out to look for another one. Shorty after, I was made to clean my apartment completely to the finest detail. However I tried, I didn’t seem capable to work to the best of my ability. I went overboard, and neighbours complained of the noise. My parents were called, and I was put in hospital.

God said the hospital was my saving grace. In hospital, I was made to exercise and wash excessively. This was unwise of me, as I was now being diagnosed with psychosis and placed on an antipsychotic medication. God was not pleased.

Christmas no.1

I was fortunate to make it out of hospital just in time for the holidays. I was on my best behaviour. However, I had become thin. At one time, I foolishly gave into temptation, and spoiled my appetite.

The New Year

As the new year approached, God was now ordering me to “be valiant” and run around Citadel Hill, doing push-ups at the front gate. This was to pay for my yearly sins. I ran twice. I was pressured to run a third time. I refused, feeling that this was slave labour and a violation of my rights and freedoms. I also felt that the medication was causing me negative symptoms, taking away my drive and aspirations. This effect was pronounced by God. I felt a strong lack of energy and motivation, and spent many days bed ridden.

As a result I could not feel happiness or freedom of mind for the following two months. It felt as though a heavy weight was placed on me, and I was fatigued. He continued to put pressure on me, at times inflicting intense fear to feel as though I was going to war.

I came off the medication as spring approached. I got a surge of courage, and finally ran.

Easter no.1

Easter arrived. In honour of Jesus, I ran to Point Pleasant park and kneeled by the ocean. He arrived, and for a second time, took the girl away. I suspect Jesus was viewed as saving her from me, a sinner. Again, frantically, I had to win her back. I went out to be my best self, and exercise to the best of my ability. I can be recalled being frantic, cutting myself for the first time. I was placed back in hospital.

Betrayal

Upon arriving at the hospital, I was now back together with her. We spent the next week listening to Zero 7 and sheltering under a warm blanket.

I was placed again under antipsychotic medications, this time an injection. God was not pleased, and felt that I had ruined everything.

I was back working at the Citadel. As I came off my sentry stand and entered the locker rooms, it felt as though I was being stabbed by a sword. I buckled, and can be recalled withering in pain. It felt to be Jesus, and this was betrayal. I was forced to request leave from work, and would spend the rest of the summer in the hospital.

Torture

Through the following summer, I remained in hospital, and was in immense pain. After a year of sobriety, I drank to escape and listen to “The Wall”. I can be recalled in desperation at times pleading for acute medical care.

I moved to a temporary housing unit. The torture grew worse, and I was forced to drink whenever I could. I decided to flee, and was homeless for the following week.

I returned to work. I fought to push through, but was brought to my knees. I was made to hold the stress position with all my strength. At times I felt I couldn’t do it. But on several occasions, I was brave and pushed through.

Christmas no. 2

I was drinking as often as I could to escape the pain and torture. My parents could handle it no longer, and placed me in a temporary hotel. It was there, and throughout the following Christmas, that I received the worst of the torture. There was no mercy, and I felt I was doomed. I recall barely making it to the liquor store as often as I could. I almost died.

Breakup

Hospital again. I detoxed, and had the best time I'd had in a long time.

However, it was at the beginning of that summer, that I was betrayed by her. For various reasons including the misery of the past year, she broke up with me, and assured me she wouldn’t be coming back.

I spent that summer desperately trying to philosophize to bring her back. I had some support from God, whom promised he would torture me once this was all over. However, I think he was happy for me to be engaged and putting my strength into something. That summer on the pond, as stressful as it was, brings back some positive memories.

By the end of the summer, I had her back. She was no longer my girlfriend, but to this day we remain friends.

For various reasons including victory, a following dramatic event occurred in which I was too scared to make human contact or go out in public. As a result I stopped taking my medications and I would space out and remain awake for days.

I was placed in hospital once again.

To the Present

Through various hardships at Abbie Lane, I’ve arrived one year later at Mount Hope hospital, where I’ve been ever since. I am two years sober. Despite one account, I have been free from torture. I decided to take matters into my own hands, and not be afraid to be brave.

To this day, they have been peaceful. One thing that cannot be underestimated is their level of passion. However, this is not a force to be reckoned with, both sides good and evil. I used to fear for my life. Now, it is my duty that I strive to be my best self, and to once again find my true self as I work toward a new freedom and a better future.

To be continued in part II.

Thank you for listening.

John

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