Anyone have any idea what’s going on? I’m just confused with my head

I don’t really know how to start this because there’s just so much going on. But I guess I’ll start with the fact that I’ve spent months online trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and I can’t find shit. The main reason I want to know is because I just want confirmation that I’m not going nuts.

Mental illness is in my family Depression, and schizophrenic. I don’t know if they are hereditary or not though.

This is gonna make 0 sense because I never really learned Grammar and I have no idea how to explain these things without sounding like a horrible human

It started off as sadness and anger and now I just barely feel anything. I feel like most of my emotions are gone and I can’t feel them anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll purposely make myself depressed, feel pain, scared. Because i feel more comfortable with those emotions. I don’t really have a will to go on in life anymore, things that used to make me happy are meaningless now. I just got accepted in to an art scholarship program which is something I used to really want to do and should make me happy but my reaction was just “ok”. I feel some type of anger and sadness for everything said to me even if it’s just someone telling me to stop. It’s not really the type of Anger I usually feel but some other combination between anger,sadness, and just not caring. My grades are slowly declining and I really want to get them back up but my motivation is gone. I have this feeling like I’m just faking the sadness because I bring it upon myself purposely sometimes (I’m usually sad already) but I’m just so used to sadness and not this empty feeling that I want to be sad again. I’m literally just done with life, I don’t have a strong desire to kill my self and self harm is rare and more often used just to make me feel something besides what ever the fuck I’m already feeling. I get depressed periods in waves where I feel depressed and suicidal for weeks. Also I’m bored constantly no matter what I’m doing. I never really thought i would have depression since I never really cared about people with depression enough to actually do some research about it. And now that I have symptoms I’m just confused.

I can’t sleep because as soon as I try I just have horrible thoughts rushing into my head and it messes up my whole sleep cycle. I’m so tired I can’t even bother to wash my face most mornings. But I can’t sleep even though I’m tired. And I absolutely cannot concentrated anymore.

I like seeing my own blood and torturing ants is something pretty fun for me. I’ve never hurt an animal and would never do anything to one. I’ve had multiple pets of all different specials and loved them. And things like cat and dog abuse are disgusting to me and I hate the thought of anyone even disturbing a kitten. But hurting bugs doesn’t make me feel guilty at all so I enjoy it.

I like staying inside and I really don’t enjoy being around other people. They just make me uncomfortable and weirded out. I’ll do pretty much anything to be able to stay in my room alone.

I noticed when I was pretty young that I was different than a lot of other people so I basically started to study the other students and make myself behave like them (reactions,expressions) I experienced the same emotions as them I think but my reactions were always a bit different. I’ve built my whole life upon a fake innocent happy shy girl personality to fit in and every so often I get bored of it and change to a different one. When I’m not pretending around Others I’m a pretty dark violent person (other people tell me this I really don’t think I’m that bad) This happened before a few years ago in elementary and I got bored so I switched to being more like myself for a few years. But now I’m back to faking again because people hate me when I’m myself. I’m very good at creating these new personalities based on what the people around me like, and it’s really the only thing getting me friends. I feel like everyone does this a little bit but maybe they don’t because people tell me it’s weird. I’ve been told that I’m an incredible actor and this is probably the only reason I’m good at it.

Most of my family members have pointed out that my facial expression rarely changes, I never noticed this until I was told. But my happy,sad,angry,excited expression is the same unless I’m faking it,laughing,or crying. I just always have a blank expression I guess.

The imaginary friends, I’ve had these imaginary friends since I was a young child and I’m fully aware that they are not real. But I just have this extreme sensation that they are watching me and now I only use the bathroom with the lights off. I’m not scared but I’m just uncomfortable. I try to distract myself when this is happening but nothing really works.

The numbers for doing things, so I don’t know if this is OCD or something but I have to do things a certain number of times. And when I say HAVE TO I mean it. And if I don’t I’ll have a weird feeling of dread,uncomfortable and just weird sensations until I do it. Also I cannot sleep if I don’t do it. I’ve been trying to overcome this but once again nothing works.

People have also been telling me my whole life that I don’t take responsibility for anything and I’ve had probably 5-6 teachers accuse me of either just not experiencing guilt,being some type of Psycho, and being recommend to see doctors. I’ve always refused because I don’t understand what they are talking about, I’ve never harmed someone at school without a reason, and I’ve never hit without them pushing me to it. Teachers and apparently also a doctor when I was 4 have constantly told my mom that I’m too violent. But I really don’t think I’m that bad. the only thing I can agree with is I love the feeling of being in the office and lying about everything that i have done. Lying just makes me happy, It makes me feel something different for once and that makes me happy I guess? I don’t feel guilty afterwards but I just don’t like the trouble that comes after it so I try not to do it. Ive been accused by many people of manipulating other people but I don’t really think I have. I probably sound like an asshole but at least I’m trying to get some help.

I don’t really know what else to say but if anyone has any ideas comment below. If anyone’s wondering I cannot see a doctor at the moment for private reasons. So until then other types of advice are much appreciated

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