are we really just living for the sake of others?

tw// suicide?

idk if many will read this, i just wanted to vent my thoughts that are stuck in my head

some background about me: i'm 20 years old and a university student and i feel like im suffering from anxiety. whenever im in the moment, like taking an exam or having a conversation or working on a group project, i cant focus. my brain freezes and i mess up. i cant hold a conversation and its hard for me to articulate my thoughts. i havent visited a therapist or anything and idk how. i live w my parents and its so hard talking to them about it. my mind is going crazy and i think im depressed too, i cant find the motivation to do anything. i get suicidal thoughts but i immediately do something else to distract myself and im afraid of killing myself anyway so im just living because i cant die.

now referring to the title: everyone uses the same exact phrase that there's people who love you and are there to help you. so what? people love me and im just living for them? what about myself? shouldn't i love myself first? like i get it that there could be people who love me but i really dont understand what love is in the first place. i've never really experienced it. i know my parents love me but i dont feel it at all and my parents dont really get along with each other either.

i dont want to live just because people love me. i want to live and complete my goals but im so worried about the future its too much to handle. i cant see myself living life to the fullest. i cant even imagine myself with a job bc its so hard for me to live in the moment and make decisions. maybe its just a problem i have idk. people find help in people that they love, they get to express themselves but i feel like i have no one. im stuck with all these thoughts in my head.

sorry if this makes no sense i just wanted to let it all out

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