I’ll be turning 28 this month, and at this point I have no idea what my mental malfunction is. I’ve been given the complete rundown of diagnosis from different doctors at different times in my life: ADD and ADHD, Bipolar type 2, being on the autism spectrum, and Asperger’s most recently. I without a doubt have issue with both depression and anxiety as a collateral of the above listed, as never having a clear answer and ultimately a solution to my mental health has taken its toll.
I show very clear signs of ADHD, however I have some mental health quirks that aren’t covered under ADHD descriptions, but are covered under things like Asperger’s, yet don’t show certain signs of Asperger’s either that’d make it an easy diagnosis. As if I was, I’d have the most minor case of Asperger’s possible, says my mother. What irks me, was my misdiagnoses of bipolar type 2, during a period of serious depression during collage, and I became heavily medicated with Latuda 80mg for a few years, yet I showed no signs of any real manic episodes. For a short while when I finally was taken off of them, and given adderall and lexipro, things got better, but the mental blocks that were preventing me from making any sort of meaningful personal progress that I was all too self aware of, meaning developing and keeping to a routine, reading, exercise, and generally building and keeping good habits while breaking bad ones, self discipline and motivation type things, is all very much lacking and was and still is a form of my own personal hell.
I’m also quite eccentric and functionality on a different wavelength from most others. If you were ever a fly on the wall of my apartment or in my car when I’m by myself, I’m either almost always talking to myself, laughing at my own jokes, making 4 or 6 different voices, sometimes talking complete nonsense. Shit that’d make people think I was a schizo. Yet I’m completely cognitive and aware of it, and it comes off more like acting. Showing signs which adds to the Asperger’s/autism diagnosis, yet I don’t show core features for such a diagnosis. I’m frequently very isolated and alone from my peers, don’t have many friends, and think of myself as an introvert, yet ask anyone familiar with me that isn’t family and they’d say I’m extremely outgoing, if somewhat awkward or a bit of a goober. The one thing that most people pick up quickly is that, in their own words to me, I come off very differently from most others, I’m very authentic to myself and rarely conform to the setting around me. Someway or somehow. I’ve been told that there’s others out there that may share my name, but that there is only one “u/Gizzard-Gizzard” as it were.
As of late I’ve successfully weened myself off my lexipro and periodically still take my adderall, but mostly microdose psilocybin every other day, for my anxiety/depression. However I’ve yet to find any meaningful solution to my poor discipline/motivation that hampers me from making any meaningful progress in my personal self development, and “getting my shit together”.
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