I have been dealing with obsessive compulsive disorder for several years. Consistently since sometime around middle school, my own thoughts threaten me with horrible things like deaths of others or Hell. It has made dealing with everyday things like school much more difficult than it should have been; my grades were shit throughout high school and, frankly, continue to be shit in my classes at a local community college. I went to a doctor recently and opened up about symptoms I hadn't been open about before – it had been a mix of me not knowing how to acknowledge those symptoms and downplaying them. I was referred to a specialist to check for psychosis and they found that what I'm dealing with is specifically undertreated OCD. While I am relieved that it's not a psychotic disorder, it's still a pain to deal with OCD. I will be seeing a specialist soon that specifically deals with OCD; I also hope for a medication change.
The last few months made up my first quarter at the community college. Like throughout most of high school, I managed to severely fuck up the grade of one of my classes and have thus caused my financial aid (through FAFSA) to be suspended for academic reasons. This ongoing trend, caused by a complete lack of self-motivation, has caused me to feel absolutely worthless most of the time. I feel like what I'm doing isn't amounting to anything. This paired with frequent depressive episodes makes me want to stop living altogether, as a feeling of being trapped and worthlessness makes me feel like I have no reason to live, even though it's not true. I have good relationships with my friends and family, but I still almost constantly want to just end my life.
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