Recently diagnosed. Doctor said that I was most likely hypomanic as of now. I feel like a fraud. Maybe this is just my personality. I'm so lost. I wrote this today:
"Am I really sick?Am I just faking it for justification? Community? Wholeness?
My self esteem is great today. I feel attractive. i go out in public without a care for how my hair works or without foundation. i used to never do this but i dont care. eh. I feel like my male interests are below me. I feel as if I can get them without a second thought. I just feel so good about myself. Then, I come to my senses and have an average level of self esteem. But it never lasts because I realize that yes, I am that GIRL. A stark contrast to my usual (?) low self esteem, but maybe I’m just in a good state.
There's nothing left. I have no motivation yet I have the greatest amount of energy. I am sleepy physically but my mind never shuts up. I sleep either four hours, have numerous naps (where my mind doesn't shut up), or I sleep until the PM hours of the afternoon. All. In. A. Week. I have really dark thoughts yet I am up working on my website like never before (well, at least a couple of months), I have dance sessions where I feel so good, yet I still think about the end. I'm listening to music, posting way too much on Snapchat, creating and deleted Instagram, browsing tik tok (which I don't even like), feeling hypersexual, wanting to go out and have fun, not doing my homework because who cares, skipping class, I just don't care really about tasks where I cognitively have to function. I want to try CBD and skate and eat then not eat then binge and then not eat until I realize that yes, I am sick. i am so hungry yet food does nothing because im also not hungry at the same time.
blood test came back normal…
last week, i went roller skating and missed an important test. it's a hobby of mine. i went like, for three to four days straight without being tired yet i was irritated while there a lot for no reason and also because of the people. i didnt do my schoolwork at all because i cant focus, who cares when i want to rollerskate and work on my website 24/7, and im still doing well. im generally a shy person who is reserved so being angry and/or angry so quickly for no reason is odd. i didnt really care though. i havent done my reading in weeks. yet, my grades are excellent so i really am not feeling negative effects but i know it's gonna get worse as i move to do clinicals (hopefully)
SYMPTOMS FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS:
Had a depressive episode for two weeks almost three weeks ago. i slept all day, didn't do my homework, cried in public, wanted to die. Overate. Couldnt stop thinking about suicide and being worthless. elliott smith became my best friend. Before the depressive episode almost a month ago, I was so productive. I was so focused on my schoolwork which was my main goal at the time. I didnt leave the house unless for a day to rollerskate. I got a piercing which i dont believe was impulsive but it kinda was? i always wanted it but… idk. i did schoolwork 24/7 and didnt talk to my family much during this time which isnt like me. all i wanted to do was school. it seems to be a pattern that i get fixated on a certain thing or goal. now, it's a guy i just became interested in and want to ask him out. im planning my skate trips around seeing him and i think about him a lot but like, i dont know if i actually like this dude or its me being hypomanic bc when i was depressed i was repulsed by sex and stuff and him kinda…like i felt ugly and now im like,,, i can easily get him wtf. and my website! all i can focus on. i started dressing provocatively for attention and more interested in men. i loved the attention. yet, i was sexually harassed in high school and am against it so it makes no sense. im usually against all forms of catcalling but i loved it during that stage.
my typing is bizarre. im usually a formal writer…
Went to the ER last Thursday because voices in my head (that I can hear, just not out loud) kept telling me to kill myself. That I was worthless and this was my destiny to be a person who lies young. I still believe that this is my fate. I'm an old soul who is destined to die by suicide, sort of like an angel or a member of the 27 club. i feel like a chosen one or something. im different from other people…
i just feel as if im not bipolar. i cant believe it. i was diagnosed with MDD and social anxiety which is about 85% gone. yet, last year i had swings similar to this one. i was on tinder despite being against it for my life, i started a relationship with a friend who i liked (i think?), yet i lost my appetite. made an instagram account despite not liking social media. messaged random people looking to date wTF even though im shy (this happened in march too). couldnt do my school work. felt suicidal and sad all in the same month. ran away from my friends during a night out because they were irritating me just by talking. attempted suicide but the belt um…. slipped from the pole and startled me. if that counts idk.
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