I'm a 20 year old transgender woman living in DFW, Texas, who's dealing with…quite a lot of pain. I'm also not typical for a trans woman in that I self-identify as autogynephilic (AGP). "What the heckin heck does that mean?" you may ask. Well, AGP is a range of sexual and emotional attachments to onesself as a woman. It first manifested as transvestic fetishism early in puberty and gradually evolved into pretty severe gender dysphoria.
Most of the time, I think of myself as a woman, in normal social day-to-day interactions. But sometimes, I think that I'll be found out as a fake woman trying to creep into women's spaces with my vain attempts at an alto voice and vaguely female mannerisms I've picked up from my friends. When I allow myslef to think of myself as a woman, not trans not cis, I feel great. My self-ssteem is through the roof. I feel like I can go about day-to-day activities and tasks worry-free.
But then, I have become addicted to going onto twitter and intentionally searching out posts that will trigger me and I gaslight myself into thinking that I'm nothing but a sad man pretending to be a woman so that he can feel good about himself. I've become addicted to forcing myself to listen to sad stories of detransitioning and planting in my mind that I'm a perverted sex freak who's primary motivation is well and truly to hurt women.
This bully in the back of my mind has always thought these things, but to see them validated by TERFs or other AGP trans women leads me to view myself as a disgusting abusive human being for daring to steal the valor of women who have to deal with shit like the patriarchy, periods, and childbirth.
My self-loathing has gotten so bad that I will not have the energy to cook myself dinner. I've lost about 10 pounds in the last month not of my own volition. I've always struggled with weight. At my worst point, I was 180 pounds (5'11") and I'm now down to 148. I've dealt with stress eating or just plain not having the mental energy to cook myself food for my entire life.
I've started seeing a life coach who is also a trans woman who self-identifies as AGP. I look at her and I see someone who has learned to deal with her pain. I see someone that can literally go into the supermarket, be called "ma'am" or "sir" and be okay with either outcome, because she accepts herself, knows who she is, and who gives a shit what anyone else thinks? That's the goal I have. I want to be in a place where I can functionally in society just be a woman, internalize that, and be okay with that.
Now that I've started dealing with my shame from AGP, I want to begin the process of accepting myself unconditionally and not giving a shit what anyone else thinks. Furthermore I want to deal with the shame of choosing to transition.
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