I'm 29. At age 13 I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and about six months ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I also get anxiety attacks sporadically but never been diagnosed with anxiety to my knowledge. The first time I had mental health problems I was four or five years old. I got put into a psychiatric hospital for a week when I was five (don't want to get too much into why I was put in but basically I had extreme trouble regulating my emotions), and it was at that point that I internalized the thought (or message I thought I was getting) that I was bad and wrong and messed up. A year later my mom died from cancer and I thought I had made her sick because I stressed her out too much from being "bad". So again my vision of myself as a bad person was heavily internalized and confirmed. Then I went through bullying and teasing at school from age 8 to 12 because I was fat (from comfort eating because of losing my mom) and awkward and every demeaning thing the bullies said just confirmed my belief in myself being a disgusting ugly embarrassing pathetic piece of trash. Around age 10 was the first time I wanted to die. Age 13 I was hospitalized again for being suicidal. I've been on about 10-12 various medications (at different times) since I was 13 trying to treat my mental health. I have done probably 10 years of weekly therapy appointments. And despite all that nothing helped me 100% or even 50%. I still was depressed and anxious, I developed an eating disorder that went in and out of my life for 10 years, I still hated myself and had very low self-esteem and self-injured and felt suicidal and just…dark.
At 29 I still feel like I'm just destined to be this way. My biological father died from alcoholism after having it for about 35 years and he also had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder recently before he died. My mother's side of the family had depression and anxiety and food addiction. I just feel like I'm destined to be and stay mentally ill. And I feel like it's part of my identity. Ever since my mom died I've gone through life feeling isolated and different from everyone else around me. I feel I'm just a broken person and I've felt it so long I really internalized it at a very early age. I know it sounds ridiculous but since the dark, self-hating, self-sabotaging thoughts are all I have known for practically all my life, they are…. comforting to me in a strange way. It feels…. right? to just wrap myself up in a blanket of sadness and turn my back on the world. I can't see myself being any other way. I feel like it's formed my personality? I'm not really sure. I just… at this point in my life I can see how not fixing my depression and other issues will leave my life in ruins and possibly end with me dead by suicide or reckless behavior, or long-term hospitalized. Obviously neither of those I would like, but another part of me feels indifferent to that happening. Like, "…meh, you're a piece of shit and so messed up anyways, you're just another human out of the billions of others contributing to the demise of this planet so it really wouldn't be a big deal and would be better in the long run."
I'll end here before I continue rambling on. Basically, I feel like being mentally ill is embedded into my DNA and is in every part of me and I can't find the motivation to try to change it or even the belief that I deserve that change or that it will even ever happen. Additionally I feel like I have no idea who I would be without it. Has anyone felt this? Can anyone relate?
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