Hitting a milestone kept me motivated on a day that would have otherwise sent me to the bottom of Ben and Jerry’s. (Pictures inside) (But also a little venting and self hatred)
A little backstory: I’ve always been a “large” or at my peak, an XL. I wore size 16 pants and crammed myself into large shirts. It was a part of life. I told myself I was big boned and that I’d always be big, but that I wasn’t fat. I hated myself. I had no motivation. Physical activity made me miserable. I literally cannot remember wearing smaller sizes. A month ago I was thrilled to buy size 14 shorts, because I was so close to being smaller.
A month ago, I got broken up with because he didn’t want to be in a relationship during basic training. It absolutely broke my heart, but I understood. Today I woke up to see that he’s in a relationship. I opened Facebook and I saw that and I didn’t know how to react, all I knew is that my heart fucking hurt, so I ran until I couldn’t feel my legs. I tried to text my best friend, who was active on Facebook and Instagram that I was having a hard time and that I was sad and she didn’t respond. She let me be alone when I needed her, and when I told her that it was a shitty thing to do, she blocked me on everything, including blocking my number. It’s been a brutal day emotionally. I feel vulnerable and emotional and so incredibly alone. I just wanted to curl up on the couch with Ben and Jerry’s and a bottle of wine, but I didn’t.
Today, instead of choosing food, I chose to go out and buy my first true pair of expensive running shoes. The difference is amazing. I chose to go to the gym and work my muscles until they burned… and after that, my sister asked me to go shopping with her.
I officially fit in a medium dress. I’m now comfortably a size 12 pant… and I just stared at the tags because I almost didn’t believe them. I cannot remember being these sizes. I’m not at my goal, but a medium is so close to a small. I actually tried on a small dress and it fit, it was just a little snug.
I thought that once I was here, the worthless feeling would go away. I thought that losing some weight would fix all of the outside noise. I hoped it would make everything okay. I lost weight and people I loved still abandoned me. Being thinner didn’t stop the pain. I thought that being thinner would somehow make me feel invincible. I don’t actually feel any thinner. I still feel like the fat, unathletic, clumsy girl I’ve always been. I don’t really feel smaller.. but I am. So I took a picture of the tag on that dress because while I may not feel better, the progress is happening and that M is proof. I fit into something I’d never thought I would fit.
So they didn’t love me as much as I loved them, and that’s okay. I’m working on loving me as much as I loved them. Tomorrow I’m getting up early, hitting the gym before work, and working on being a stronger person, and after work, instead of Ben and Jerry’s and wine, I’m going to take my 20 month old nephew to play at the park because his auntie finally has the stamina and cardio ability to chase him around and laugh with him.
Pictures of my before and the medium dress: https://imgur.com/a/nCYRiUj
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