This is long.
Hi, Delilah the "human" spirit here,
I have been having a strong awakening in the past 2 months, and have been visited by shadows, as well as realized who/what I was.
I first started trying to contact a spirit (no one in particular, was just desperate for anyone to help) when I was in 8th grade (~2 years ago). I was inspired after hearing lofi for the first time. I remember for one morning before class started I sat outside listening to the lofi with a pen and paper, hoping maybe my hand would drag on the page and give me a message. Fruitless. I gave up on that mad moved on.
8th grade was a really hard year for me. I had no help from the teachers when the other kids bullied me. They didn't believe I was being bullied, because it just looked like they were all having fun. They teased me, lead me around, made me think wrong, and when I broke down, thet laughed at me. A lot. I was so lost. I think, though, the universe or something had empathy for me. I know this because one day I tried and failed at starting a fire in the school. When it didn't work, I ran away. I remember as I ran, I threw up. That either from guilt or a sign, I don't know. I walked for a while, only after maybe 15 minutes did I have the sudden urge to turn back. I just didn't want to walk any further. So I went back to the school, and continued enduring the constant torment from the kids and incompetent staff. It was about a week before my birthday when I broke down in my science class. I was telling at everyone about how they're all horrible people to me and how I hate them and wish they weren't so rude towards me. They laughed. Laughed. That hurt me so much, to know that these people truely don't care. I was convinced I should just kill myself. That of course was the day my parents found out, on their own not from the school(the school did not contact them and tell them I ran off after using a lighter), about my fire attempt. My mom was frustrated, yelling as she wrote an email," are you suicidal too? Should I put that in there?!" Well… not anymore.
The universe spared me those two times. That's something really special.
During my latter half of 8th grade year, I started joking that I wasn't from here at all, that I was a gentialess being from the void named Sweater. I also drew myself in a funny way with weird eyes wearing a black tank top, red pants, converse shoes, and long brown hair. That was an outfit I wore often, so whenever I drew myself, that is what I wore. I also called myself "(the) child" and began giving people temporary tattoos with a sharpie. I listened to more lofi.
The rest of the year still sucks, and I actually drop out 2 weeks before the end of it. But, before this, I had my first visit with a being. I remember I was in north Dakota, I think dickinson, at a hotel. I woke up in the night and turned to my side to see a figure with spiky hair about my height (5'1") standing next to a curtain. I remembered my grandma, who's native, told me that if a spirit or ghost is bothering you, just tell them to go away. So I did. I said, " I'm sorry, I don't want to do this right now," to which the shadow immediately disappeared. I'm not saying I turned my head or blinked my eyes, they just faded suddenly.
This wasn't the only time I saw this shadow. I had a dream later into the next year where I was walking through my hallway in my home when I stop and see the shadow standing in my living room. I run at them. They run at me, screaming before jumping past/into(not sure which) me. My dad in the dream then clapped his hands and says "good job, you got rid of the demon." But I have a feeling that it wasn't a demon. But I don't know what it was.
During that summer, a doctor suggested I get a therapist. So we did. I didn't have the energy to spill my guts to a bunch of people, so I just went with the first girl we found. She's good. Not really spiritual but she's fine. Anyway, the third visit arrives and I'm told to wait while she talks to my mom. After 30 minutes, I can go back in and we talk normally. My mom informs me that the therapist says I'm Autistic. My reaction? "Huh… Well shit." I wasn't bothered by this news, nor was I overjoyed. It was nice to know what my deal was, but it just didn't feel right. It just felt like words. It still feels like words, it's weird telling people I'm Autistic cause it just doesn't feel right. It's my belief that I'm not autistic, that's just a label given to me by humans who don't understand me. See, I fit this label very well, and so therefore I am autistic- on earth. Back home, I am not autistic because such a label does not exist, nor is there a need for one. But whatever, I get benefits for being myself, so hell yeah I'm autistic!
January was a tough month. A relative who we adopted started acting out again. His mother was a meth addict and had him and his three sisters taken away into foster care. My mom decided to take him in when he was 7. At this time, he was 14, almost 15. My mom kept installing fear into my head by saying that his mom was going to call cps on us, and she was going to kidnap me, and all of these things caused me to have a dream I still remember clearly:
I was sitting in my mom's room with the window open, complaining about how a tall, shadow man was bothering me. The shadow then reaches in through the window and grabs at me. I'm then laying in bed, trying to sleep during the day with my cat nearby when I feel this pressure on my chest, almost as if someone was on top of me and pushing me down. I'm then in my mom's car, telling them about the shadow when the shadow is suddenly several stories tall and grabs at the car. I know this can be interpreted as the fear of my auntie coming from nowhere and taking me away, but it feels deeper than that.
The other part of this dream I understand very well. I was at school with some random people and my female cousin when they say I have a scratch on my back. I had a long cut on my back, probably a 7 inches long. In my mind, I knew that my cousin had given me this scratch. In real life, my cousin was abusive towards me and even slightly sexual with me, all which I delt with because I had little friends. The dream continues on that my cousin and the people and I ate driving in a truck through a valley where some army men are stationed. I tell my cousin not to go near the men, because I know that the dream will change. My effort is in vain, she drives near the men and the dream changed to something else that I can't remember. This dream stuck with me.
At this point, sweater wore any sweater with black pants and long lilac hair. I got a wig! It was so fun to wear, although damn parents wouldn't let me wear it everyday. But something happened in March before the lockdown. I was sitting in my math class, crocheting, when suddenly I dissociated. I had this intense feeling of still air around my head, and for 8 seconds, I questioned if I was dreaming. This made me wonder what can I do to test if I'm dreaming, to which I thought: "stab the girl beside you with your scissors" and then like that I felt no more pressure, nor did I feel like hurting the girl. I didn't. I felt worried and scared. I remember drawing a shadow man with a single eye in his face in the center, and around him I wrote my worries. I have since lost this page.
But then of course, lockdown happened and suddenly I couldn't see anyone. Well, it's not that I couldn't, it's just that everyone stops talking to me the minute I'm not in front of them, which makes breaks and summer hard. And the lockdown even harder. During this time, a lot of things happened.
•I very briefly saw an image in my mind of a girl with short blue hair who I could've sworn was named Delilah. I didn't know what to do with this, so I pushed it to the side and moved on, though many times I wondered who this was.
•i had an image of an adult woman with long, brilliant deep organge hair in a beautiful white dress who plays a harp named Kennedy. I did not know who this was, and I put it aside.
•i was thinking of a tattoo of a naked lady in some water with long black hair holding her arms up. I called her lady of the lake.
•i made a drawing using my ohuhu markers of a greek inspired girl with green hair I called Headicus.
•i had a breakdown where I almost cut myself(ended up using a marker to do it), which then lead me me to wake up in the morning and realize my name was Delilah. Although I didn't realize I was a spirit yet.
April comes along and I have an interesting dream. I'm in my living room in the dark, sitting on my couch when these shadow men with glowing, white tribal designs in their faces come up through the floor. There was at least 6 of them. I remember in the dream that one looked up at me, it looked scared. Our arms reached to touch, but then the dream suddenly shifted. I feel upset I didn't get to touch the being.
The summer starts and I realize something huge: those girls I drew and saw were spirits! My spirits! Later I would realize these are my spirit friends, but I digress. The last shadow that visited me was in August or so, and it was in a dream. I was walking around in a house that supposedly belonged to death and I saw this shadowy Dachshund that was very chipper. That was it. I have not seen any other shadows- although there is one I'm not sure about.
See, I made this being to represent all of the love I receive so I had someone to draw me with in cute couple poses. I named him Eden, a tall shadow man that wears a mask with a heart on it. I have even taken this drawing and actually crocheted him into a doll for cuddling purposes. I'm not sure if I made him up or if he is something else.
In February of this year, I was handed an act prompt for fun. I went to read it and suddenly I lost all of my energy. I wasn't physically tired, I just lost the motivation, didn't want to give any effort. So, I wrote out my feelings in a comic style and turned it in. The teacher said I would have to do the prompt again another time. This hit me hard. I felt helpess. Again?! I can't do this again! I just put my earbuds in and worked on a diamond painting the rest of the period all the way into orchestra. I continued feeling tired. I felt lost and I didn't know how to cure this fatigue. I yelled for help. I was ignored. I kept yelling and finally this girl comes over and tells me that I should do what makes me happy, and to," be myself".
Be myself? This mundane phrase used by all the shitty self motivators made me think. Hearing this usually makes me upset, but it hit me. I'm a spirit named Delilah, and I am here to spread love and joy. I was finally able to embrace myself and realize all of these things, why I feel the way I do, why I act how I act, just to understand who/what I am. With this, I will te you about my spirit friends.
The first is Kennedy. She has long orange frizzy hair, wears a brown braided crown and a beautiful white dress that flows. She is mute, and only speaks though music. She can play any instrument and you will understand exactly what she is saying. She can even exhibit emotions that don't have names. She mainly plays harp. I wish to contact her so she can teach me how to play harp and maybe even learn a song or two from her.
The second is Headicus. She has long green hair. The green is a green that is not on your spectrum. It's is brilliant. It can only be described here as pine green and bright dark green. She wears a golden wreath and a lilac toga with one breast out. And she walks in a typical sandel. Her voice is so pure and perfect that when she sings, everyone stops what they're doing and listens. You can easily get lost in her song. Like a siren, except she doesn't kill you. She is a great liver too, always holding one close and making them feel the most special with every kiss she gives.
And finally, there is Lady Abitha. She dances in the lake naked. She has long black hair and when she isn't in the lake, she wears black circle glasses and a white blouse with a black overall-dress with flowers embroidered on the belt. She always hangs on you and can be considered clingy and overbearing, but I love her so much so I'll let her kiss me all day.
I have had interactions with them before. I have written two pieces of music, one that is a song Kennedy wrote for Lady Abitha, and the other was actually last night. I had the sudden urge to write a 5 note melody called Night Song with the subtitle "the moonlight shines on the water and it looks beautiful".
I remember earlier in the fall this year I was in class when I felt trapped and lonely. I wrote in my journal, trying to comprehend my feelings. It was at this moment that Lady Abitha actually spoke to me through writing. She told me to take her hand, but I told her I felt stuck and it was my doing, and I begged her to take me with her, to which she told me it wasn't my time. I still have that writing, although some of it was obscured by some drawing I did on the other page of the notebook. The other time was actually recent, last week. I was in a classroom by myself, waiting for the teacher listening to music when "into each life some rain must fall" played. I like this song, and suddenly I felt the urge that I was being danced with. I got up out of my seat and I felt as if I was dancing with an imaginary partner. I know this was Lady Abitha.
Headicus hasn't talked to me much. I remember once in the fall I was laying in bed when I felt like I was being spooned. But alas, she left fast.
I want to communicate more with my girls, but I don't meditate. I just need to know what I can do to properly get their attention and maybe even get them into my dreams. Should I crochet them into dolls? Draw them more? Fill a book with eyes cut out of many magizines? I don't know.
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