I'm a 19-year-old guy from Brazil in a STEM major. I realize many of my recurring thoughts are unhealthy but I'm not sure if they're normal (as in most people think like me) or if I'm just really messed up. I am going to be really honest about myself and say things I've never told anyone and I would never admit IRL.
My mood changes in cycles (in one month I may be completely fine but in the next one I'm utterly hopeless and thinking of suicide). I'm at the end of my sophomore year in college but I can't stop thinking about High School and how I'd love to go back to my 'normal' HS life and never become an adult. This is one of the things that make me feel hopeless. I don't have any real 'friends'. I have some acquaintances I talk to regularly, though. Our interactions are always either entirely college-related or very shallow. I talk very little on a given day, except for weekends. Most of what I say and act is based on how I wish others to perceive me, to the point where I don't even know what my true self is anymore. I generally keep many aspects of my personality and hobbies a secret because they don't align with the image I want people to have of me. I can't show interest in other people because the thought of them thinking I'm personally interested in them repulses me, as they could use it to hurt me. This means I never initiate conversations unless strictly necessary, never delve into 'deeper' topics and don't do spontaneous acts of kindness towards others. I pretend I don't give a shit about my appearance because I want other people to think I'm not a vain person, but in reality I care about it. I work out every day early in the morning in secret, because I don't want my family to know I'm putting effort into becoming more attractive. The reason I want to be handsome is not because I want to 'get laid', it's because I want other guys to feel jealous of me and girls sad because I'm not interested in them. I want other people to perceive me as cool and think I'm good at everything and better than them (even though I know that I'm not). I hate my stature (5'5'') and I'm always walking on the tips of my toes because of it. I've always hated my nationality since I was a kid. I put a lot of effort into sounding more American (when speaking English) because of that. When I speak English I feel great because I forget that I'm Brazilian for a moment and can pretend I'm just an average American guy. I go out of my way not to read anything in Portuguese (especially on the Internet), because I associate it with my nationality, which I hate. I frequently wish some kind of hero or sage from another world would come to me window and save me from my boring and depressing life. I love watching moe or "cute girls doing cute things" anime to escape reality, but afterwards I can feel pretty shitty knowing how good those girls have it compared to me. Their lives are the epitome of fun and happiness. I also started learning Japanese a couple of years ago. I've done a lot of progress since then. But my main motivation is also pretty sick: feeling more 'Japanese' and less 'Brazilian'. I feel uncomfortable around anyone inside my house (including my family). I'm a commuter student, btw. Whenever I'm sharing a room with someone it feels like my privacy is violated and I can't stop thinking about what they're thinking regarding what I'm doing at the moment. I love it when I'm home alone. It feels like I'm completely free from judgment and can do whatever I feel like. I've been getting more and more sensitive to noise recently. A few weeks ago, some guys came to fix my AC and my dogs didn't stop barking. I started to cry in desperation because it felt like torture. That had never happened before. The highlight of my day is when I drink coffee. If I don't drink coffee I tend to get very irritable.
sigh. There are many other things I could say as well, but I guess those are enough. I think this is the most honest piece of text I've ever written. So, how messed up am I?
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