I am tired

Now I know you have read that title countless times everywhere, but I am afraid words cannot describe how tired I am anymore.

Everyday I have to put up this façade pretending to be strong, got everything sorted out, but I don't know how long I can keep this up anymore. I feel so burnt out, I barely have the desire to talk to people anymore (I am aware this will push people away but I absolutely have no drive left), because its me leading convos most of the time. People rarely hit me up anymore, did they find someone better? did I cause them to move away? I do not know, but I can feel the feeling of being useless, and abandonment creeping in.

I feel so dumb, I feel so useless, and not worth anyone's time and attention, I feel so guilty when people talk to me because I see no reason to genuinely talk to me, or they are doing it out of pity. I want to help people through the slump and loneliness I have once gone through, but I am barely able to connect emotionally, I really don't know how to be more sympathic or expressive with my emotions.

I am actively trying to bring my life back in order, but so far everything I have tried is futile. Flashback to December 2020, I used to meditate, exercise, read, code, study daily, and my god will i do anything to bring that mindset and motivation back. I barely do anything other than sleeping, and listening to music all day, and video games don't entertain me like they once used to. I can feel my 20's going down the drain.

I wanted to do so many things like write short stories, learn water coloring, but idk now. I won't say I am suicidal as I once was, they never left when I was at my prime to be honest, they are more prominent now that I am doing nothing to keep my head busy, the voice inside me that once encouraged me to push forward by ignoring my emotions (harmful I know), and doing what needs to be done has been growing quieter as the days pass, I know better that suicide never the correct way out but idk.

I am absolutely sorry for the long vent, but thank you for letting me vent. May today treat you better! <3

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