I feel so stuck. I feel so stuck in my ways, my mentality, my situation, my life, I just feel stuck. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to vent, I don’t know how to properly get it out, process it, or deal with it. By it I mean anything. No emotions, no thoughts, no feelings or anything, it always feels like they just hit me and I’m left to deal with whatever comes of it. And I’ve been diagnosed bipolar 2 and Nabor depressive and anxious and blah blah blah blah so I guess I DO know what’s happening, I DO know what steps I should take to live healthy and happy, but I don’t do anything I don’t move I don’t make the necessary changes or whenever I do make a change, even slightly I feel SO ELATED that I think I get off the rails happy, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking of so many new “positive” changes and things that I want to do, when I wake up I am overwhelmed with the prospect of doing so much that it feels like even more of a burden or drag, I have no fucking clue. I can’t tell if I’m even actually mentally unwell, or if my lifestyle is just killing me. I can’t tell if I am overwhelmed in a situation or not allowing myself the space or time or even proper thoughts to deal with it properly. I can’t tell if I really am suicidal and really am lacking motivation to live my life and be better, or I’m just too lazy to put in the work. I have no idea why I am so god damn lazy when I see all of the keys right in front of me. I see all of the god damn keys right in front of me but why do I refuse to grab them. Is it me being lazy? Do I really prefer to live my life feeling like I’m riding unpredictable uncontrollable waves or would I prefer to learn how to surf and swim and navigate my god damn shit. And even then what is my shit? I get there and question, what is your shit? What is actually wrong? I get an “answer” for that and don’t believe it anyways. None of this vent probably even makes sense. It barely makes sense to me. I don’t understand my life, my feelings, my illnesses, nothing. I don’t understand, and it makes me feel hopelessly lost… so fucking hopelessly lost… I don’t even know who to talk to because I can’t figure out how to articulate my problems properly because I don’t understand why they are a problem because I don’t understand why I have an issue with it in the first place, I just don’t fucking understand…
I still don’t even trust that this is the truth of how I feel or thing about anything.
And it doesn’t make sense to me, so how could it make sense to anybody else?
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