I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t know how to continue

I’m a 18 year old girl who got her first ever panic attack a few days ago. It was in front of my parents and I think what triggered the panic attack was my uncontrollable anger towards my parents. We were fighting and screaming at each other and I suddenly got a panic attack. During the panic attack I couldn’t control my body and screamed, cried and my body was moving weirdly not how I wanted it to move. I couldn’t control my body at all. It was very similar to having sudden tics. Before the panic attack I was very depressed and didn’t go out for a month. All I could do was to lay in bed and not having any motivation to go out. So my parents called an ambulance and they took me to a mental hospital where I was able to talk to a therapist but she told me that I’m not sick enough to be admitted so I went home. I have to say that I’ve been to a mental hospital 3 times in the past (I was forced to go there) and I got diagnosed with a schizoaffective psychosis, a manic episode and depression. And I refuse to go to a mental hospital ever again. I just hate it there. So after my first ever panic attack that happened 2 days ago, a lot has changed. I feel I have changed. And I’m scared of me changing. I suddenly get those weird tics where I can’t control my body and I do sudden body movements with my body parts or face and I’m scared of myself. I don’t recognise myself anymore. And every time that happens, my head gets very hot and it starts to hurt. I was always very mature for my age and I always thought about very mature topics as well. But nowadays I feel like I’m acting like a child. I feel like I can’t control my body and thoughts anymore and it scares me to death. Every time I talk to my parents, they make my blood boil but nowadays I can’t seem to control my anger towards them anymore. So when I try to talk to my parents, I get angry very fast and very easily and then I suddenly get those weird tics again where body moves weirdly. And this never happened to me before. I was just a normal 18 year girl who loves to go parties, raves, dates around, hangs out with her friends, travels the world. But right now I feel like a mentally ill person who’s stuck at home all day and I can’t even bring myself to talk to men anymore which is a huge thing for me because I used to flirt around a lot and now I just feel like I’m a completely different person in just 2 days??? And doing it with a lot of different men every day was a nice little distraction for me and me running away from my real problems. I used to sleep around with a lot of men to harm myself. But now I can’t even do it anymore because I’m scared of myself. Like why am I getting those sudden tics that I’ve never had before after having a panic attack??? That doesn’t make any sense to me. Like what is wrong with me?? So I tried Googling if it’s possible to get sudden Tourette at the age of 18 if you never had it before. I’ve never had any of those symptoms before. In my whole life. But I couldn’t find any answers because normally young kids get Tourette. I have a lot of mental health issues and issues with myself and this sudden change just made everything worse. I don’t like not being able to control my body and thoughts. Like it’s so weird. My body moves without me being able to control it???? Like how???? I feel like I’m in panic mode all the mode or I’m nervous. I feel anxious, uneasy and troubled. My legs always tremble. And I can’t even talk normally. Like I stutter a lot. Which is scary and weird because I’m normally a very confident, extroverted and outspoken girl and I feel like I’ve become someone else. I’m scared of myself. And sometimes those tics stop for a while but then they come again and it’s weirding me out. Because I’m completely aware of what is happening to me. Well, it’s been only 2-3 days. I live in Germany btw. and like I’ve mentioned, I just can’t get myself out of bed anymore. I feel depressed all the time. I can’t motivate myself to do anything anymore. Everyone in my life left me. I got literally ghosted by my best friends and the people who promised me to love me forever and that they will never leave me. I don’t have anyone anymore. I’m completely alone. All of my friends left me. I don’t have any friends anymore. I used to very popular in school, have a lot of friends etc etc. But everything has changed. I’ve been in a lot of relationships with men who were over the age of 20+ and they all left me as well after being done using me for certain things. I have to admit that I’m very naive. And I don’t have anyone to talk to. And I can’t even bring myself to go on tinder dates anymore, I used to actively use tinder every day and went on a lot of dates to like I said find some distraction from my awful life but I can’t even do it anymore and it’s hella frustrating. I forgot to mention that I live in a terrible toxic and abusive household. My parents fight with each other every day. They scream and insult me every day. I moved out at 16 and lived away from my parents for 2 years straight but due to my financial situation I had to move back into my parents house again. And things got even worse since then. I get emotionally and mentally abused every day and I can’t stand it anymore but I can’t move out to escape from my situation because of my financial situation. And it’s stressing me out. I feel so alone and stuck with my situation atm. Also I promised myself to never go to a mental hospital ever again because I just hate it there and I don’t feel like it helps me. I hate not having any freedom. And being restricted of any kind. Also I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to be successful in life. I have no future. I literally dropped out of high school 3 times because of my awful mental health, tried it again. Didn’t work. Even though everyone around told me how smart and educated I was. I had too many fears. I was scared of not being able to do anything which led me to not do it at all. I had many goals in life but now I’m a high school drop out. And I tried to push away those thoughts in my head of being a Highschool drop out because it’s destroying me inside. I don’t even know how that happened. I was always a pretty good student with good grades. I don’t do any drugs. I’m a perfectionist and everyone around me is successful in life except for me and it’s my fault. And I feel like I’m a disappointment and I disappointed my parents. Their expectations for me weren’t that high, in fact they were pretty low and I couldn’t even finish high school. So now I’m basically doing nothing with my life. I’m just depressed, being at home all day. Not knowing what to do with my life anymore.

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