A little background: 34 year old male. I've been on and off therapy for about 3 years (mostly off for the past year). I've been told that I may have been in some level of depression since I was very young. Teetered with the idea of suicide in my late teens and had a serious bout right before I decided to seek help. I was on Zoloft for about a year, then I took myself off. Fell in to a pretty deep depressive and suicidal hole, but I crawled out of that. Spoke to a very close friend and it turns out that he has been there before. He is far more tucked in his shell than I am. As messed up as it sounds, I'm glad I'm not alone.

In my 20s, I used to be pretty passionate about powerlifting and I was consistent for several years. I wanted to be the largest and strongest person in my circle. That quickly went to shit after a series of injuries. My motivation deteriorated as the injuries kept piling up. Also, I used anabolic steroids, which most definitely did a number on my mental health. We used to joke around as to what our motivation in the gym is. Some said anger, some said vanity. For me, it was pride… Except that I wasn't joking. The pride of being the strongest person in the gym. The pride of being the strongest person I know. Pride alone was my sole motivation… and that turned to ashes.

Nowadays, I feel like I need something extreme to feel alive. Motorcycles, skydiving, freefalling, some kind of speed… I was seeking an endorphin overload. Even ridiculously tragic stories/movies. Some kind of emotional extreme. Something so outrageously over the top in order to break this proverbial glass wall to tap in to actual emotions. It would explain my actions and choices that I make… which are usually pretty aggressive.

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I know people who would shed tears over the most trivial things (ie: mutual friend's pet dying, or some random person on the news got mugged/assaulted/whatever) and I fail to understand why. I'm pretty sure that's a normal response to tragic stories and situations, however, it doesn't seem to bother me much. I kind of feel bad for them, but not enough to cry for them. Which brings another issue. I know I was not like this when I was a kid. I was that overly sensitive kid who would empathize with anyone. As an adult, I kind of want to feel that way again.

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Often, I feel that human lives are worthless. I don't really care about anyone not within my circle. However, for those whom I hold dear, I would gladly sacrifice myself in exchange for their lives. I am thankful for those who are in my life and I don't feel completely hopeless.

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Sometimes it feels like I have a mental shield around me that is designed to numb me down enough to normalize the things that really hurts me, but makes me nearly emotionless to everything else; similar to the way general anesthesia works. I know it's a defense mechanism but I have no idea how to shut it down or just feel… relatively normal.

Most days, I just feel shitty. …and with most people, I'm kind of an asshole.

TL;DR: This asshole is numb to things. Said asshole doesn't want to be numb. Said asshole doesn't want to be an asshole. Desperately seeking adrenaline/endorphin rush.

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