Hello fellow redditors, This will probably be a long story. I just need to get this off my chest because I can't really talk about it to anyone in real, and I also am at a point in my life where I have no idea how to continue. I'll post a tl;Dr at the bottom.
Lately I've just reached the point where all of my motivation is gone, I don't know how to move from certain things and I rely on other people to get through my days.
There are many things bothering me, and sorry if it seems like I'm b*tching about stuff but it just bothers me a lot.
I will try to keep it short. It's never quite been pink clouds and butterflies in my home, but it was bearable. My mom and dad are both narcissistic people, and though I love them it has influenced me quite bad. They fought so much my mom ended up cheating because she found someone that didn't make her that sad, marriage ended& my parents divorced. My siblings (19F, 13M as of right now) split up between them two years ago, and it just did not work. Where my dad immediately found a new partner and put that partner above my sister, my mom neglected me and my little brother completely and eventually started abusing me. There was some abuse from my father's side before the divorce, but I just didn't expect it from my mother also. Home was like hell, even though it had never been like a home to be things just… Went bad. After some time my sister attempted to commit suicide (2017) but the attempt failed and she lives up to this day. I went to therapy and tried dealing with all of the stuff, but all of the abuse, bullying and neglect, all of these problems inside myself that I had locked up just rose to the surface and hit me in the face. I was depressed for quite some time, couldn't even get out of bed. In my situation I had no one to talk to that really understood, and I couldn't talk about everything to my psychologist because I thought she'd be disappointed or hurt by me not doing well and only worsening everything. After some time I quit therapy and I just tried to continue with everything, and that has brought me up to this point.
In my past I never had much friends but I sincerely valued all of the people close to me, and I always tried to make everyone happy. No one sticked close to me when I wasn't there though. I have had no one that's beared with my all my life, excluding family. I understand that not many people like me, because I'm awfully complicated. I carry wounds from my past that I can't talk about. I take everything personal and I'm afraid people will leave me, so afraid that I always assume the worst of people. The only friends group I have had that I really felt comfortable in is right now falling apart due to people leaving for university and making new friends. I have other friends, but I just can't let other people in with my problems without feeling guilty.
I just always tried to fill up all of the emptiness that was left in me by distracting myself with meaningless stuff such as games or smalltalk with people on the internet I didn't know. I have always felt lonely and such, but I just shut everything out so much, and it's coming back at me harshly. I have had thoughts about suicide, though I don't think I'd be able to do that. I've been addicted to anti-anxiety medicines, too. And sleep medicines. Due to the nightmares I get about past trauma's and fears, I usually can't sleep at night.
Recently (6 months ago) stuff started looking up when I met my now-Bf. He is a very sweet guy and he has his arms open for me, and I love him a lot. The only one I had to share my problems with was him, and I happily did so. Lately though I have noticed that the weight of my problems is too much on him, because he loves me so much. He can't handle it well at all, and I fear for his mental health caused by my behavior. I have problems telling him how I feel because I'm afraid he doesn't understand me, and it only hurts him more. I don't see this getting in the way of our relationship as he is my bf and not my therapist, but even when I don't tell my problems I notice that he's not doing well because of me being this way.
A coworker of mine, who's also male, is one of my best friends now after meeting him a few months ago. When talking to him about problems, I realized we are pretty much the same. I felt understood and he could actually help me. It was great to know I could finally rely on someone with my deepest problems. Lately, we have gotten into a fight. He thinks that my boyfriend is jealous of him, and he feels guilty when talking to me because of it. He thinks that because we are the same our friendship won't work, because when we are sad we just amplify the sadness for each other. He barely talks to me or replies to my messages now, and he is acting very hostile. He is the only person I have trusted in a while and I feel broken.
All of these things are coming together. Since like six weeks ago I have fallen into a depressive episode again. At home I'm not understood and not respected. I notice I'm hurting my bf by being sad and gloomy. I'm ignored by my coworker (also one of my best friends). Because of breakups in my friends group, it is falling apart even more. My dad is forcing me to get along with his gfs family, and my sister barely talks to me anymore.
I have drowned myself in work to make me forget about things, and I haven't had a single minute of free time that I could be sad in, because honestly I don't know if I can trust myself. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm losing weight and I just notice that all of my energy is gone. I don't feel like doing anything. I'm behind in college because I keep missing class and at home I don't have motivation to study.
I feel like my life went off track. I cry every night and I don't know how to fix things anymore. I have no one that I can really trust or talk to, and I keep acting like I'm just sleeping bad. I'm tired of acting like nothings wrong, but I also can't express myself. I doubt therapy would work since it didn't quite help last time. I know that things will get better, and I just need to hold on until I can change my life for the better. But I don't know how much longer I can live like this, I feel like I'm just doing worse and worse.
I posted here because I have nowhere to express it, and I have absolutely no idea of how to move on from here. Advice would be appreciated.
I'm sorry for the dramatic post, and thank you if you took the time to read this. And thank you even more if you will take the time to reply.
Tl;dr: because of some recent problems my life feels off track, I don't feel well, I barely eat and sleep and I have completely lost motivation. I need advice on how to move on from here.
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