i just need someone to listen.

(POSSIBLE TW) hi. im 17 years old and i just need to feel heard or maybe understood by someone. i feel so alone. this post will be messy bc im just going to pour out thoughts and feelings that cloud my mind constantly and i need to get them out.

to give more background, i have a girlfriend that i have been with for a year. i thought i would mention that beforehand bc some of this post will be about our relationship.

you'd probably look at me or see the house i live in and assume my life is great. you'd be entirely incorrect. no one would guess from the outside but i live in a mentally and emotionally abusive and controlling household. i have been the main target of my household since quarantine happened. my birth parents have been split up since i was 9 years old, my mother is mentally ill, absent, codependent and abuses pills, my father is a narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, mentally abusive piece of shit that wouldn't care if i didnt exist. my step mom used to be my savior but due to certain events that happened in 2020 she has resentment towards me and is easily influenced by her friends or alcohol which results in control and punishments towards me. i grew up in and around drug and alcohol abusers, thefts, sex offenders, unsafe households, domestic violence, poverty, etc. i started self harm at the age of 10 years old, have several suicide attempts, suppressed trauma and overall PTSD, severe depression and anxiety, other mental illnesses, etc. ive seen and been through way more than i could explain but this is the lowest ive ever been. i turn 18 in may which is the only hope i have for my freedom. i am miserable in this household. i have been threatened with mental hospitals, calls to the police, being kicked out, etc. my girlfriend also has had a trainwreck of a life but i wont get into that here.

ive never been crazy outgoing but this year, i want to almost constantly distance myself from people or social situations, crowds, events. i have barely anyone i consider a friend which i only speak to them at school occasionally, i dont hang out with anyone besides my girlfriend, i have these crazy bad mood swings and episodes when im in certain social situations, im uncomfortable around most people, 95% of my conversations are forced, i dont feel physically, emotionally or mentally connected to anyone besides my girlfriend. i physically feel numb but my brain is constantly clouded with thoughts i cant bring myself to explain in detail. part of me wants to see the world and be happy again but the dark part of me just wants to hurt myself or end it all, successfully this time. the only reason im alive is bc i promised my girlfriend. our relationship is chaotic and complicated and has caused great pain but not always our fault. i went from being a person who cried 6 times a year to a person who cries 6 times in a day. im the most mentally and emotionally unstable ive ever been, my father is the reason im not in therapy with a therapist i actually connected with anymore, i have no job, no savings, no license, no car, hardly a working phone, and im graduating high school and turning 18 at the end of may. i dont plan to hold contact with 90% of the people currently in my life once im moved out and on my own. im easily irritated, saddened, hurt, manipulated, etc. im constantly anxious or scared or worried. my eating habits are awful, haven't slept well in months but im constantly exhausted, my motivation is gone, my will to live is absent, my passions are close to not even existing, my ambitions are fading, i just dont even feel like a person anymore. ive lost myself. ive lost dignity, self worth, courage. i feel so empty yet so overwhelmed. im constantly doubting myself, i never feel like im enough, i feel useless and worthless and a burden. i feel like id be better off to just not exist. i feel like i have no future and I'll never get anywhere and I'll never be happy again. i need help. i cant help myself. i feel insecure and unimportant in my relationship, i dont feel valued, i dont feel respected, im constantly scared of the things i could be put through again but i dont want to leave. honestly it just feels like im a lost cause. im terrified of being alone. part of me wants to get better and part of me just wants to disappear. im so broken. idk what to do anymore.

thanks for listening.

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