I just want to feel happy and normal. I don't want to lay in bed all day and feel empty and miserable. I have no motivation sometimes and it takes me so long to get the motivation to do things like clean my room, do my laundry, or my schoolwork. I feel like such a failure because I can't do things like other people, even though based on what I have accomplished so far I know I am not a failure. That feeling still stays with me and it hurts and I just want to cry and stare off into nothing.
It isn't as bad when I am occupied or hanging out with my boyfriend or my few friends, but then I have an issue with social interactions. There's a reason I only have 3 friends, social interaction makes me want to die and that feeling is affecting my relationships. It comes across as lazy, mean, or "stuck-up" according to my mom. There are things that I need to do, like call the DMV and set up an appointment for my driver's test, but I cannot bring myself to call them, I feel like I would rather die or watch my life fall apart than make a simple phone call. Just thinking about calling people I don't know or am not comfortable talking to on the phone makes my hands sweat and my heart beat faster. These kinds of interactions make me have an intense feeling of awkwardness and being uncomfortable to the point of not doing what needs to be done.
It really hurts my feelings when my family or my boyfriend insults me because I don't function well in social situations. It isn't completely their fault though, I just can't completely explain to them how I feel because that also makes me feel awful and anxious. It's a horrible cycle, I would like to talk to somebody about how I feel or get help about it, but the way interacting with other people makes me feel prohibits me from doing so. My own mother called me stuck-up, which I can say with certainty that I am not, because I wouldn't go into the store and buy what she wanted with her food stamp or debit card. It hurts me that she thinks that I why I won't, my issue is that it doesn't have my name on it and even though I know I am allowed to use them because she is my mother and gave me her permission, is still feel like I can't and that I will get in trouble or something will go horribly wrong. I just wish I could articulate this to her, but I just can't, I feel like there is this wall that I just can't get passed and I am just being blocked from having a normal and functioning life.
I don't completely know what's wrong with me, but there has to be something because I know that it isn't normal to feel like this all the time. Hopefully, someday I can bring myself to try and get help or at least talk to somebody.
Read more: reddit.com