I don't know how to describe it. I'm not happy but i just realized that over the last decade ive never been this “okay”. Its always been me planning and preparing my suicide, writing a note and at the end of it chickening out and beating myself up about not even being man enough to finally put myself out of my misery and the cycle continues. This happened regularly for years.
It's creeped up on me though, I'm 23 years old and I think im finally seeing a future for myself, sure its not what i envisioned when i was younger but the point is there is finally some hope here. Problem is i don't have anyone to talk to about this as my depression and anxiety robbed me of all my friendships. People stopped reaching out years ago and i know that its mostly my fault because i spent all this time checking out of life and not nurturing the friendships ive had. Friendship is a twoway street.
That being said ive spent the last 12 months focusing on my mental health (new medications) and both group and solo sessions with my psychologist as well as physical health- Ive been dieting and working out and im happy to say since October last year i've lost 42kgs. Im proud of myself but as stated above i don't have anyone to tell so im reaching out to reddit.
I think ive finally come to the realization that being happy isn't something that's in the cards for me but I can be satisfyed with the fact that maybe i don't want to down my pills and overdose like i used to. Small wins right?
Next step is to start looking for part-time work, so i can keep riding this current motivation wave. Sorry for the longwinded post but I needed to tell someone. Small win but a win nonetheless.
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