I want to feel better
I'm currently very uncomfortable in my own state, mainly due to personal and wheater reasons. I live in San Antonio, Texas and mind you, I love the Texas culture and being a resident of it, but I really want to start new. I have traumatic experiences living in my state and the weather somehow ties in with it. When it gets hot, I get flashbacks to very terrible times in my life which I refuse to speak about here. It's weird, I know. My anxiety triggers instantly than usual and I fall into a depressed mood for a long time. That's how my summers go, I'm just not happy. Not at all.
My uncle died last summer, my parents stopped taking me to therapy, I couldn't take the heat and the arguing everyday as usual and would have nothing but mental breakdowns. I never let my parents see me that way because I know they would never take me seriously. They've compared their pain to mine at times, instead of listening to it and comforting me. I almost committed suicide at one point, but didn't and called the suicide hotline. I didn't tell my parents due to the past and present times of living with them. It's not fun.
I didn't feel safe, only when I was with my therapist and friends and teachers. School is what makes me feel comfortable and myself instead of feeling like some caged animal or a stranger, like at home. I'm said more in a positive manner and not negatively like at home. If you're wondering why I haven't been to therapy is because my parents think it only makes me worse. I offered for us to get together in family counseling so all of us can find common ground and reconciliate on our problems. However, they refused to as my parents said "you're the only one with a problem, not us. We're fine. We're paying for it, so we support we give. And we don't need to hear you insulting us in front of the therapist" They never asked if I was going through something even when signs we're shown. My therapist even tried getting them on board because she believed it would be beneficial for all of us. They made excuses.
Currently, my mother is not happy with me coming out as gay and she used the old trick out the hat, guilt tripping. She said that to never tell my father because "he thinks he might have cancer and he doesn't need to hear all that stupid shit you told me to make him feel worse". This came out of thin air. She was trying to make it look like it was my fault. Like shes always done for then entirety of my life. Turns out, it wasn't cancer, it was just a blood vessel in my dad's liver that's supposed to be normal. She got me worked up for nothing. Made me feel like a piece of shit for nothing.
My father is a bigot (homophobic and a tad racist) and my mother is a very judgemental and crude woman. She has her "nice" times, but that only lasts not even a day. I have made stupid decisions at life and hidden secrets from them in fear of what they'll do to me. I will admit that I am not a goody two shoes myself. No one is. I'm not evil either, and I refuse to carry a hardened heart. I'm more open minded with people and tolerate them more than ever. I love people and talking to them, and getting to know them. I am aware that there are cruel and hateful people, as I have grown up with them my whole life. I am not entirely "soft", as I can be defensive and stand my ground. Mainly, this all came from my paranoid tendencies (I also deal with that).
My mom has also not piled up guilt on me, but she calls me selfish and that I don't care about no one but myself. Making me sound like some heartless monster.
Everyday I would question my existence and think why I am here if this is what they're gonna see me as. I know I'm not really like that, and I've tried showing them that I have changed.
I don't feel comfortable here anymore, I feel like I'm getting dragged down by a lot of things that prevent me from doing what I wish to do. I feel lonely and I'm trying to help myself in any way I can. I've been losing motivation in things and the only thing keeping me going are my friends and teachers. And some, but little, family members. That's why I didn't commit suicide, because if I go down, I'm taking them all with me in the process. And they'll have to go through Hell with me, even though those people don't deserve to experience something like that. They don't need that sort of heartache, all because of me. They need me…
I'm just on the brink of losing my mind. I'm just done. I just want to feel better.
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