Recently I went through a break up. This isn't the problem actually. It was rough but I have gotten through it more or less.
But the problem is that it made me realize just how dissatisfied I am. I am just not happy. I am not sad either. Not angry, nothing. I am just drifting through each day. Get up, shower, travel, waste my time all day because school is not engaging me at all. I just go there, collect my As gotten purely from natural gifts and waste my day on Reddit. When I get home I have to wait for hours for anything to happen. My friends get back, it's time to go to training or it's FNM/ commander night at my local games store. I am always just waiting for short and transitory bursts of any emotion.
I have nothing to strive for. My place in uni is basically ensured, my parents have enough money so I don't need to work until I move out. I do but just because I want some extra cash to waste on things to distract myself from reality. I don't really have anything to live for or look forward to either. My girlfriend made me happy but now that she's gone I realize that even before that I was running on memes and video games all day. Video games and magic the gathering are the only things that really bring any emotion to me at this point and my ability to play them is relegated to a fucking schedule until my friends get online or go to FNM. I live for human interaction and intimacy but I hardly really get it and I have no outlet for it. I just do the best I can to distract myself and have no idea what to do.
I don't really lack motivation. When I want something I do it. Problem is I just don't fucking want anything. I don't care for fame, power, money, drugs, whatever. I just want to feel something. I wanna feel love, hate, happiness, sadness. I can settle for anything at this point. On one side the break up was a wake up call to show me just how miserable my life is. On the other side I miss her because U genuinely felt something consistently for once. Hell I even miss the first day of the break up a bit just because I felt something, even tho it was sadness.
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