Im not happy with myself and all the problems I have but I dont know how to ask for help.

Hi, I'm 22 years old

I always feel so weak when I have even the thought wanting to share my problems with anyone I trust.

When I was around 4, my dad and mom divorced (still dont know why, always been too afraid to ask, I just dont want to because I dont want my mom to relive any memories if any were really painful during that time)

I didnt have much affection growing up because when she was single at the time, my mom would always be at work while my grandma took care of me most of the time (I'm thankful for my moms hardwork and my grandma taking care of me)

I liked the elementary school I went to because of all the friendships I built since kindergarten but I had to move in 3rd grade, which left me feeling very lost and I didnt want to do the whole friends thing over again, so I kept to myself and waited patiently till I graduated high school (made a few acquaintances but still no one I really trusted my feelings with)

I go to church, and have made a community of friends there and at the college I go to now but I still refuse to open up about my feelings ever (not that I dont like my friends) I just dont want to appear weak because I've been weak all my life.

During high school, 2 people very close to me died and it did destroy me, but like with every other thoughts and problems I had, I still just kept everything to myself and tried to solve everything myself.

And because of all this I have self confidence problems, I have silent anger issues, I cant concentrate, affection confuses me, I dont have motivation to do anything but I still try to get through college just to please my mom because I love her and I owe her everything. I just hate everything about everything. I just want to disappear or hope I wake up from this 'dream' and I am someone else with a normal life. And I'm so FUCKING awkward I hate it.

Suicide has always been fluttering in my head past year now and that stupid negative voice in my head is so annoying. But I guess I will never kill myself because i just have a grain of faith still that life will get better but i just dont know when it fucking will.

Once again, hello I'm 22 years old and I want someone to help me learn how to approach to share my feelings with the people I love. Because I still cant do it, thankyou for reading.

PS: I apologize if nothing makes sense because this is the first time I typed/written my problems down. I still have a lot of problems and worries I haven't written down but these are the main ones that have affected me growing up and shaped the piece of shit I am today.

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