I’m Numb

I feel i have become numb. I feel physically like im drowning, like my body is dead weight about to sink into the ground. It's like im watching myself from afar and not really living.

Even when very bad things happen I don't cry- like someone dying, but if something pathetic happens like getting called lazy- i'll be in tears. I feel disgusted and disapointed in myself, like I'm turning into a robot. I don't have any reason to be sad. I live in the countryside and I have lots of pets and my family are very loving, but I don't even have motivation to get dressed anymore. I used to cycle all day and read and watch movies and train my pets, but now I can't concentrate. I'll very quickly do my chores, like water the garden, with this feeling that I need to rush and then i'll race back to my bed as if there was a fire to be put out- and then I just sit there, doing nothing. It's as if i've become childishly sensitive and robotically numb at the same time.

My siblings are all very talented and successful, and I can't even be bothered to lace up my shoes. I used to put makeup on and wear vintage clothing everyday, but now I just wear tracksuits and hoodies with crocs because I feel sickc wearing something that doesn't feel like pyjamas, or doesn't feel baggy as if im in bed under a blanket. I skip class if everyone is already sat down because i cant walk in incase they look up at me. I don't have any friends. I really want to be happy again but I feel like my life wont ever be how it was when I was younger, when I used to play with my friends as a child and I was so happy. I can't see the point in my future if i'm going to feel this way, feeling like a ghost just taking up space.

I'm a teenager and I really don't want to tell my parents or my school, because I dont want to upset them and I couldn;t deal with the attention. I haven't been diagnosed with anything and I don't know much about mental health, I just feel braindead.

If anyone had any advice i'd really, really appreciate it with all my heart, it is very kind and I am very grateful. Thank you x

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