At the moment in my life I am really suffering with my mental health and have at least since the age of 12. I am my own worst enemy. I cannot control my thoughts or emotions even in the slightest. I have trust issues with everyone in my life because I dont know who I can trust anymore since I have dealt with betrayal before and I cant tak that pain again so I choose to sort of end friendships on my terms. Its something I dont wanna do but I'd drive myself crazy if I dont do what I think would keep my emotions safe. I end up cracking and slowly but surely my friends have drifted away since I have been close to being completely absent in their lives the past few months. The funny thing is I don't want that at all some of the people I've lost over this I miss greatly and would do anything I can to have them back in my life. All I want is to be happy and have friends and a great life. Now im just in bed almost all day not being able to even see anyone because my head tells me that im too worthless to be seen by anyone. My relationship with my family also is affected by this as I lash out at them. There are times where I'm purposefully provoked into fighting back. People tell me that my anger is very extreme and I can change at the click of a finger. This rage is like no other. I have had the police called on me because I am so violent breaking things in the house and destroying property. This is all due to me being provoked and told to do it as my mother and I have a really bad relationship almost all my living life its been very rocky. She tells me to do things and she knows if she gets me angry enough I won't be able to control it anymore to the point where I'm smashing things or headbutting doors. The thing is I cannot control the anger I feel when it comes on I lose all sense and just see blur. My eyes pulsate and widen and I shake severely. One of these fights resulted in me attempting to kill myself but just as I was about to jump my father barged in and made sure I couldn't die. This resulted in me attending the doctors to later be referred to a primary care clinic where I was learning some coping skills to try and take control of my emotions (CBT). I felt hopeless as I attempted again I went to a mental health hospital in my area and was seen by a psychiatrist who was very concerned for me and referred me to their day care facility. I seen a psychiatrist there where I explained to her that cbt isn't helping me and im concerned theres something wrong with me. She told me that everything I am showing as symptoms are symptoms of anxiety. I left feeling so misunderstood and not listened to at all. A later date went by where I seen the doctors again and explained to her that my situation is getting worse she told me that the cbt I was doing should help and I should stick with that as thats my only option. The next week I had a phonecard to learn some more skills about cbt with the mental health nurse. He told me that I didnt seem like I was into learning any skills and that im very Blasé about the whole thing and assumed I didnt want to go on. I did. All I want is to be happy so I'll try my hardest to make cbt work for me as I was determined to get better. That phone conversation with the nurse reslly fucked me up I didnt know what to do or say. Long story short is we ended the cbt even though I havent learned all of the skills to cope. I also lost my job and have no money I lost my job due to my mental situation in the workplace I would be extremely paronoid about other co workers looking at me and judging my work etc. I would also and still am paronoid about leaving the house as I fear something bad will happen to me like im murdered or something bad happens. I'm finding it hard to focus on college its so frustrating to me as its my dream course that I fought my way through to get in. Im struggling to keep up the motivation and work as my head constantly ridicules anything I do from and assignment to speaking to a person I always point out my mistakes to myself and make myself fell horrible by calling myself names in my head. I genuinely cannot control when that happens. My life is genuinely just getting so much worse I havent showered or shaved in 3 weeks I havent left my room in two days and I havent eaten a meal in at least 4 days. I cant eat with the feelings that are going on inside me if I do I end up vomiting it all back up. I just feel so helpless and all I want is friends that I can chill and vibe with. I dont know im just really lonely but I just always seem to keep people at a distance and no I have no one in my life that I can actually talk to. I know for me itll be sort of impossible to make friends as I am also socially awkward and dont really like being in a situation where I meet a complete stranger it genuinely makes me feel so sick thinking about it. Now im in a predicament where my mother doesn't want me in the house so I have to move meaning I have to find a job and get out of the house and get my own place. I dont know how im going to do it since rent where I live is unreasonably high to live and I have college to also maintain I just dont think ill be able to handle all of this for much longer. I'm really at a breaking point here and I just dont know what to do.
Also if you did read this thank you for taking the time to read. I just ask that no one judges please I just needed to get that off my chest.i am a male and 20 and live in dublin ireland btw.
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