this all started last year when a girl I used to be on/off(not bad terms til this time) with messaged me saying “do you believe in magick?”
and her saying “it’s happening soon”
and a month and half later I opened my eyes and seen through my eyelids.
couple weeks later
she dipped out for “your(my) own good”
I started to understand what was going on but then everything went downhill.
i’m losing it honestly speaking. hope for anything/the want to go after anything. I’ve been in my head trying to change deep seated things/unconscious problems in my mind all year. I don’t have money for a therapist, and I don’t feel comfortable telling a random person my problems when 9/10 they don’t care. they care for the check. so at this point I just want to leave all my problems here and disappear and say fuck it. I don’t want to get a job, the shit just ain’t worth it all in any aspect, I completely refuse to work and be miserable until I die.(i live in a rural area and the thought of working to live, and living to work are awful thoughts, on top of that the jobs around here are not paying enough/ and are super scarce.) i’m starting to get frustrated and angry with myself more than I ever have before. I’m fine one second and then I’m agitated because I take a look at my life and feel it’s a big waste. I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t really have motivation to keep on because what’s the point?(no I don’t wanna die, but living in this plane is awful. why the hell would I sign up for this? I just can’t see myself agreeing with this shit.) I try meditation, i try affirmations, I try visualization, but i feel that just isn’t working. it doesn’t help that I’m an empath. so on a daily basis I’m waking up somewhere after being wide awake just minutes before.(shits annoying) and to top it all off I wanna remove myself from existence. my connections with family & friends all feel like they are deteriorating. I’m starting to like everybody less, doesn’t matter who you are. I just honestly don’t want connections with anyone or anything anymore. I wanna be by myself for the rest of my life and forget about this infrastructure we live in. I feel I’ve been alone this long I can do it another 20/30 before I kick the bucket. I’ve lost all material possessions except my clothes I can fit in one bag, my car(needs some work), and my phone (which got disconnected yesterday). I stay with a friend but I feel as if I’ve over stayed my welcome. i’ve been debating getting in my car and just going somewhere and wherever I break down just sayin fuck it and leaving it there. what the fuck is happening. i. dont. fuckin. know. about anything anymore.
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