I don’t know honestly. I understand life is hard on everyone and that we all have different struggles and challenges that we come across and I get it, it’s not fair on anyone. I guess lately I’ve been more down then usually, and I’ve always had a semi low mood but this time just seems different. It feels like I’m just trapped in sadness and it feels like it’s going to last forever. I don’t know why this is, I don’t know why I deserve this. It feels like my life has been one terrible thing after another and I never had a chance to grow up and experience life. It feels like my life was just destined to go downhill, and I’m not saying that to be an over dramatic teenager I’m saying that because that’s what life has given me.
My dad left me at 11 months old, he’s been on and off for my whole life. At age 3, he was over at my house and we were playing at he went to cross the street and got hit by a speeding car and almost died. I guess that was the first sign that life wouldn’t treat me nicely. From them, it felt like I had no chance. My mom who has bad mental illness was hospitalized when I was little because of them. My dad (hes alive by the way) was always threatening me and my mother, he’s always been in trouble with law, doing bad things, violent, yelling, etc. I got bullied in school, physically and verbally. I have never been able to talk to my family about anything. 1.) because I’m afraid of them 2.) they have adult problems, and don’t want to hear about my issues 3.) a lot of them struggle with addiction/mental illness, so it’s just me. 4.) I would get in trouble if I talk about my mental health and I’m worried I’ll be punished so I feel like I need to keep this to myself which is hard, and I’m still a kid so if I were to tell a therapist any of this, she would probably blab to my mother and I would get in trouble. I also have physical health problems that are genetic which causes chronic pain and other issues, and I’ve been blamed by my family for getting sick and having to go to the hospital and to doctors appointments, so I don’t know, I can live a semi normal life. I get it, it’s my fault, I need to deal with it better, I need to get use to pain, you don’t have the motivation to take me to the doctor, and it just makes me feel so bad. Everything I do I feel terrible guilt for. I’ve started having anxiety attacks at 6, starting crying myself to sleep at 9, stating experiencing dissociation at 10, body insecurities at 11 and feeling guilty for literally my whole life, I don’t need anything else. It’s just going to go downhill when I’m an adult, it’s just going to get worse!
Why would I even want to be here? I don’t know, maybe I deserve this. Maybe the world is punishing me. Maybe I did something terrible in my past life. I just want this to stop. Why would I want to be in a world with all these mean people? Deep down I believe that there are good people in this world, I’ve seen it. But it doesn’t change the fact I’m in pain. I understand there is so much beauty in the world, but beauty doesn’t outweigh suffering. I don’t know. I just want to curl up in my bed forever and cry.
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