I’ve burned out i think.

Over the last 1.5years i've lost 16kilos on a very limited amount of calories, having said goodbye to my health in many aspects, moved to a different country(got to my dream uni tho), broke up with my (now, due to moving) long distance partner who I loved because i basically outgrown him. And the exams session at the uni is coming up, so i am basically fucked. I mean, i study, i have to. I try at least.

But this whole shit that happened to me, it made some better changes to my life, but at the same time it fucking ruined me. I am a fucking half-alive corpse. I get sick every week, runny nose, throat and shit. I basically don't pay attention to it anymore because no matter what i do, nothing helps. When i wake up, i feel fucking sick every morning, as if i've been drinking yesterday (i don't drink anymore btw partially because alcohol is too much to handle in that state) and i basically set my alarm like 30-60 minutes before i need to actually get up and do stuff because i just need to lie in bed and wait until this sickness ends. My sleep is fucked too. I use lots of sleeping meds to kinda blend into this abysmal state and feel nothing because i get this anxiety which prevents me from falling asleep till like 3 am (especially awesome when i have a lecture at 8 lololol)

I feel awful in terms of mental health. I'm so tired of it. I don't see food anymore, all i see are grams and fucking calories. I don't have the will strength to do it anymore. I don't have any fucking motivation. I do everything on an autopilot and everyone thinks that i am super productive. Idk i want to just dissapear. I don't want to exist if it a constant cycle of control, pain and sickness.

Edit: some details

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