Jealous because he did it (a vent)

At 16 years old I started working for "MM", we provided rehearsal spaces, instrument tuition, song-writing advice and performance skills sessions for young people. We also organised gigs/tours with other young bands as part of a community outreach kind of thing.

A few years in (I was maybe 19 by then) a new kid started to show up, around 15 or 16 years old. He was loud, obnoxious even, but very talented. He was a confident performer and had people in stitches backstage. I liked the guy. He came to sessions for a few years and then grew out of it as they inevitably did. I'd see him around sometimes and we'd exchange brief pleasantries then go our separate ways.

I didn't think much of it until a few months ago when I saw he was dating a girl that I knew, social media connects people in strange ways sometimes so he came up as a suggested friend and I added him. We said hi, asked how we were each doing, I asked if he was still writing and playing etc. Just the usual. Then later on I see his girlfriend is having a baby, I say congratulations, he says thanks.

And then I hear that he came off his meds when his daughter was born, but after a few months off them, he took his own life last weekend.

My first thought is "that's terrible news, I hope his friends and family are ok"

My second thought is "there are too many cases just like this"

But now my only thought is "he must have been suffering and now he's not…maybe its not such a bad way out"

So I'm jealous of this guy for having the motivation to finally do it.

I wish I could do the same.

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