Lack of motivation and self-confidence, overly dependent on others

Pre-submission apology: Sorry for the super long backstory in the beginning. I just wanted to show that the capacity for confidence and motivation are clearly within me somewhere. I just can't find them at this time. It was also therapeutic to vent for a while.

You can skip to the summary at the bottom if you just want to see the issues I'm dealing with.

 

Some backstory about myself, and where I [32m] believe my lack of motivation came from:

I've always been an introvert who preferred sitting in the corner of family gatherings, and most holidays I would only speak to 2-3 family members before grabbing a bit of food, and eventually trying to exit without being seen.

In 2018 I made the drastic decision to leave my part time job in the US to pursue teaching abroad. I did almost all of the research myself (proving that the ability to help myself is in myself, just buried somewhere), registered for an intensive teaching course at my destination, saved up a comfortable amount of money, and took my first flight ever. After about 2 weeks of living in my new country I started the teaching course. It was 40+ hours a week for 4 weeks of classroom studies, self-reflective essays, exams, and 6 lessons that were to be taught by ourselves in front of 20-40 students. As an introvert who barely even spoke to his own family, the thought of getting in front of a room of students for 50 minutes terrified me!

I was super eager to attend the course each day, even though it meant a lot of studying, and preparing our lessons. When we got to our first practice lesson, I was extremely nervous. Setting up all of my materials on the board/desk as the kids got into their seats, I was shaking…and if anyone had asked me a question I'm sure my voice would have cracked. As soon as my examiner signaled from the back to begin, my nerves almost completely went away. I'd never seen that confident side of myself before, and I'll take that feeling with my for the rest of my life.

At the end of the course, myself and my 10 classmates received our teaching certificates, and I actually had the 2nd highest overall scores. The only one who scored higher was someone who already had half a decade of teaching experience.

Shortly after I got my certificate, my issues slowly began. I started taking on individual students. The lessons were acceptable, but I knew I needed to do more to help my students achieve their goals. I would check Google, YouTube, ask for advice from other teachers…but I couldn't find anything that would help, and I gave up. A few weeks later I would seek advice again, find nothing for me, and give up again.

Over the next year, I adapted my lessons in minor ways, not in the major ways I really wanted, but in general my lessons stayed the same.

During that time I slowly but surely lost my confidence. With a lack of confidence, I stopped searching for new students because "My lessons are not good enough right now". With a lack of new students, my income shrank. With a shrinking income, my savings shrank.

And that brings me to today. I've got about half a year of savings from the US remaining, but I need to get back my motivation and confidence before it's too late and I have to abandon my dream here. I am legitimately happy with my new life here, and I would be devastated if I had to return to a part time job in the US.

 

Quick summary of the issues I've got swirling around my head:

Lack of motivation: Despite the fact that my savings are dwindling and I need to take on more students to increase my income, I don't take the time to properly scour the internet for ideas to expand my lessons

Lack of self-confidence: Stepping away from my career issues, my unhappiness has caused me to overeat and gain 5-10 lbs. I know it's not much, but it's enough to make me self-conscious when I leave the house. If I have to go to the store, I usually wait until it's dark out to avoid "people looking at my overweight self" – which is ridiculous. I know people are just living their lives and they don't care. But my brain keeps telling me they do. Hell, I can't even muster the courage to go walk to improve my health because people will see me.

Overly dependent on others: For all intents and purposes, I am incapable of going to do most things by myself. I can do necessary stuff, like going to the convenience store for food or supermarket for home supplies (assuming I am having a "good confidence day" – otherwise I just put it off 1, 2, 3+ days). But going out to eat (I usually order delivery), shopping for clothes (I've needed a few new shirts for a while), walking around the park, etc. is impossible for me in my current mental state.

Spend too much time on the internet/games: This one has really wrecked my ability to focus on anything (including researching lesson ideas for more than 10 minutes without opening up Reddit or something else). I've seen memes where someone will close Reddit, then mindlessly open Reddit again. That's legitimately me sometimes, and I hate it. I want to break away from the cycle of Reddit -> YouTube -> game 1 -> game 2 -> repeat

Lack of self-control: Some days I can eat an entire large pizza or a bunch of cookies/donuts/cake/etc. Even on a good day when I limit myself to a normal-sized meal, if I get slightly hungry again later I will have the mentality of "I should just get a big meal to fill myself up so I don't get hungry again later"

 

Thanks all I can think of for now. If you read through my whole post, thank you! If even a couple folks could offer me some advice I would be super grateful.

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