Locked inside my brain -Depression, Anxiety, Paranoia

If you’re reading this would be nice to talk to some people that are able to relate and maybe help other people out as well as myself. This is sort of like my life story and the issues I have now in life.

My name is James and I’m 20 years old. I like to consider myself different from a lot of the people in this world. In many aspects of life, I feel as if I’m unique. At times it’s a gift but at times it can also be a curse. So let me tell you a bit about myself and how I feel about everything.

At five years old I lived with my Mum in Spain for five years and moved back to the UK at ten years old. My teenage years in school weren’t too bad but I feel as if growing up the way I did has had a massive affect of the way I am now. In school I wasn’t very popular but I’m more the type of person to keep myself to myself and that’s what I did in school. I had a best mate in school that I’m still good friends with now we’ve been mates for eight years. In school where I was so quiet and kept myself to myself I was never involved in any of the parties all the school kids were invited to and when I did go to parties they were hosted by my best mate. None of the girls took interest in me, I was just seen as the weird quiet kid.

It’s sort of the same now and because others see me like that I see my self like that “the weird quiet kid.” With all of my mates I’m like a follower I’m not a leader, I often tend to follow what they do or what they want to do. They often go out to the clubs, I don’t mind going out clubbing but I’m awful with small talk and lack confidence. It’s always a battle in my mind, at times I want to meet new people but I can’t do that because of my confidence and then because I don’t do that I get the thought in my mind that I don’t need to meet new people and make small talk so I sit in the corner watching all my friends mingle with the new people.

I consider myself one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet and I have this thing about which I consider myself as “too nice.” I’m always there for everyone when they need it with the advice and I often put my friends ahead of anyone including my family. When I’ve talked to girls in the past it hasn’t got past the second date and I feel as if that’s because I’m too nice, too quiet and not bad boy enough.

Speaking of bad boys I’m very easily intimidated and very anxious. I hate where there are groups of people, I always feel like I’m being watched or talked about so I try to avoid social interactions. I don’t like todays society, I feel as if everyone in the world are puppets in a type of way. The way everyone dresses and how everyone has a mobile phone. Today’s society is revolves around social media and trying to be the best, I don’t want that but it’s everyone else’s expectations you’ve got to live up to.

I feel as if I’m rambling on about a lot of things and this post is meant to be about mental health so let’s talk about that. What I’ve talked about links in to it, I feel very anxious most of the time. I’ve never been to the doctor but I would say I have social anxiety. With anxiety comes overthinking and I tend to overthink a lot. I feel as if the way my brain works is also a gift and it’s also a curse, I mentioned this before. I work differently to a lot of people and I’m very interested in how the brain works, I’m fixated on trying to learn how the brain works after all it is the most powerful component in our body. Overthinking is crazy and I’m sure I’m not the only one who has it. Where I’m “too nice” if I ever do anything wrong, even if I tried to do the right thing I feel a lot of guilt.

When I was in college I was the same as I was in school keeping myself to myself. In college that’s when I first started smoking weed. I used to really enjoy it and I’d always have a good high. I can’t smoke weed anymore it makes me anxious, paranoid and almost as if I have a personality change. I feel as if weed is one of the things that has really affected my thinking. When I got high, I always felt as if every little comment made was about me, they’d talk about my personal life such as my sex life or other stuff and I felt uncomfortable talking about it but because it makes me uncomfortable, I feel as if it makes it look like I’m hiding things. I often hear voices when I smoke which are known as delusions. But when you’re certain you’ve heard something its hard for someone to tell you different. When I hear things I’m certain I’ve heard them but I never ask anyone I’m around for two reasons, one I feel as if they’re plotting against me and hey wouldn’t tell me the truth and the second is that you can get into a lot more of a difficult place in your mind if you mix what you think you’ve heard with reality.

Since all of that happened with weed, I’ve never been able to think straight again. I got it often that whoever I smoked with they could read my mind and knew all my dark thoughts and just picked on me when I was high because it was easy to tell when I was hiding something. But since that happened with weed the way I think now will never be the same. I still have friends but I’m detached with my feelings I don’t trust anyone but I get times when I do. I struggle to show emotion, someone can say something and I’ll just agree with no emotion. I’m mostly with my own thought, daydreaming. Often I will be walking to places but when I daydream I can go completely the wrong way and not realise until after. I love daydreaming but I spend most of my life confused. Who am I, what do I want to do.

Motivation is very hard for me and I’m very disorganised. If someone asks me to do something like go to the shop to get some milk I say something like I will later, genuinely forget and they will ask again and I won’t want to. Lazy and disorganised. My bedroom is an absolute shit tip and it affects how I am in the day. I want to clean it I really do but I don’t know where to start. Doing things is an effort for me even the simple things. My mates will wanna go to the shops or go to somewhere like a bowling alley and I usually say “could do.” Which again is showing no emotion, I don’t mind doing things but generally I don’t want to but if I have to then I will. This is all confusing to write and I don’t even know if it makes sense.

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I would say I’m lonely and paranoid and very disorganised. There’s no one to talk to about this, they will only tell you how you are instead of seeing it from your viewpoint. They’re not in your head so they will never understand. My paranoia sometimes has often lead me to think that my own family know all my dark thought and they know who I am and because they know who I am they don’t love me and I felt at one point they wanted to put me in prison and lock me up. But because they know I’m weird and fragile and very passive, they haven’t. This thought by far the one that has made me ponder most about leaving this world. But then I’d be giving them what they want.

I feel so detached from people and I feel so detached from reality. I have often considered just leaving everyone without a note and joining an abbey. I’ve always been interested by buddhas and how they keep peace with there minds. They are forgiving and I would love to give that a try but I’m 20 years old so unfortunately I don’t think it could be a possibility.

If you have somewhat similar to this maybe send me a message, I often give good advice and we could maybe talk about this.

If you’re going through depression, I am always here to talk for that as well. I got through my depression trying to understand the mind. I feel as if this could help you to. If you’re interested give this video a listen:

Trevor Ilesley – How to understand the mind/ dark night of the soul (1h17m)

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