I need some help figuring out what this is and why it's happening to me, can't go see a doctor or therapist because the profession I'm in won't keep people who they think are unstable up top.
Right now life seems to be in my favor, I recently kicked nicotine and stopped making a daily habit of getting drunk and I'm finally feeling like I'm improving as a person. Right now I have the girl of my dreams who I love dearly and she has motivated me to do better in college and try harder. I'm incredibly thankful for all of this.
However, it feels like almost every day I will swing from motivated, greatful and genuinely happy to an absolute lack of motivation and happiness or vice versa.
I love the feeling when I'm up sometimes I feel so incredibly grateful and blessed that it almost puts me on the verge of tears, I will appreciate everything around me and think about how magnificent the world I live in is, and how blessed I am to have my gf and my family, but when I fall from that mood, which can happen in just five minutes. I find myself full of self hate. I go lay in my bed and wonder if I should just lay here and starve and rot away. I lay there in the dark for hours with my eyes open just blankly staring and thinking terrible things about who I am as a person. During these down times I don't feel like doing anything, not even playing guitar which is probably my biggest passion. Sometimes I fall asleep this way, other times I'll go back up to my "up" state and go to sleep with a smile on my face.
It feels like lately I've had less and less of a "normal" state in-between these two extremes and it's starting to get really annoying.
Any clues on what this is and what I can do to fix it?
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