27 year old male. Uni graduate. Currently work in unrelated to my field.
From 25 onwards I have been doing alot of self reflection. In terms of where I am in life, how I ended up where I am and what mistakes I made. I constantly compare my situation to others and feel inferior. Lately I have been aware of this and know I shouldnt do this.
I had alot of self confidence and anxiety issues as a kid but I still had good marks in school.. At 15 I hit full blown depression and marks went down. Alot of negative self talk and just being hyper critical.
At 17 it was like the depression surfaced and was no longer internalized. But externalised. And hence I was an overly aggressive and vionlent kid. Got in trouble alot and hung out with wrong crowd. Almost screwed school up.
At 18 I went to uni. I had more control over my anger. And I felt my confidence grow but I was still insecure. Especially about my looks and body size. My marks were good and I was driven to do well
At 19 got diagnosed with incurable skin disease on face. As much as I tried for it to not affect me, I mentally broke and my will was gone. Full blown depression came again and it was much worse. Anxiety had come back along with paranoia. I hated the world and everyone in it for this diagnosis. I had trouble leaving my bed for days and thiught the rest of my life was to be lived with a skin disease all over my face. I felt like I had no idea who I was. I felt lost. And I no identity. I was not grounded.
My marks went down. Failed some subjects. Had no motivation for anything. Was anxious around people and had trouble talking. I felt like I was starting all over again. I had began treatment at the doctors hospital for my skin. This was 3 times a week and did this until I was 25 ( 6 years). Needless to say, with this regimen of treatment and university and just travelling to and from uni,I had no time for much else. Apart from the gym. I was involved in my fitness.
Over the months I started to slowly tlak more ro people. But I had developed a shield . I was overly aggressive etc. I was really insecure. However, I had started to slowly stopped avoiding people and started to put myself out there and in social settings. It was uncomfortable but I knew I had to do it. I started to meet more people slowly and met some women . But.my confidence was still not there. I was not actually " Living".
At 20 my gym results had improved. My confidence went up. It was this year where my insecurity started to slowly go away abit. And my anger had slowly started to go away.
I ended up liking a girl. Didnt work out. I was incredibly upset. But it was the first time I simply took the.time to get away and reflect.. It was simple. I was a nobody and offered no value. I wasnt angry at her. I was angry at myself. But this time I did not simply torture myself with self talk. This time I set myself to improve.
At 21 I joined a new gym. I was always into fitness and my body was ok at this stage. But I joined a new gym and my results were staggering. It was uncomfortable joining the gym. I felt socially awkward around all the gym goers but Attributed it to simply not socialising enough in my previous years. So I stayed here. And kept training. My confidence went up. My university marks went up and foe the first time I actually developed a passion for life. I wanted to achieve.
I injured my back eventually. But I did not let this affect me. Mentally I felt stronger than ever and felt I was able to conquer the world. My skin condition was not on my mind as often and the treatment was working so well. At this stage my gym results staggered but I was happy. I had built the body I wanted. My injury turned into a muscle imbalance of my core muscles which made it painful to walk and stand for long periods of time.
At 22 I graduated university. But my marks were bad. In my eyes the piece of paper was an achivenement nontheless.
At 23 I got into a different course. I did well up until failing a subject by one mark. I was not able to study due to pneumonia and being bed ridden for a month.
At this point I was burnt out and just tired of having no income, study, 1 hour commutes and 3 times a week treatments. Icouldnt do it. So I left uni. But I kept in mind I will eventually go back. Still at this point, there was no depression or anxiety. I had become much more mentally resiliant and tough and confident.
At 24 I got a part time security job. The level.of freedom I had now was new. I had no study committments and was free to earn some money and explore. I started to date around alot. And have been sexually successful. I enjoyed the security job at the night club. It was fun but the night shifts do get old. As I went through the months I slowly started to get over the late nights . I was getting pretty bored with nothing else to be honest apart from the gym and weekly skin treatments.
As I approached 25, I had another moment of self reflection. If theres one thing shitty minimum wage jobs do its they show you what you dont want to be doing or end up as. At this point of time I saw some friends of mine had started achieving some more academic and financial success. And I was just doing security work. As much as ai justified doing the job simply for some income and to give me a break from study it still bothered. However, I also started to question why I kept going for my skin treatmentd. I also started tsking my finances abit more serious. These were all new.
I got a full time day job eventually. And did security work on weekends. So I can save money. I think all those yesrs of no income really helped as I can save really well. At this pointI was still dating around. But ai also realised I was not able to work unless my skin trearments were stopped. So I stopped them and decided to treat myself at home. This was now another new level of freedom for myself. I was working. But I was esrning money. I was no longer studyijg or bound to medical treatments. I felt liberated. I felt free foe the first time since I was 18. I felt like I had so much more time to do things I wanted.
At this point, I also felt incrediblt behind in life. I felt like I had wasted so much time on treating my skin that I did not set goals. Something inside my sparked. I felt anger. But at myself again for not taking matters into my own hands sooner. I set goals from then on. I wanted to achieve more. I wanted to save. To invest. To date. To be successful.
At 26, this was a year I spent mainly to decide what I wanted to study and to save money. I dated around this year aswell.and still had my security weekend.job. i had been promoted once in my day job which I absolutely hated. Later in the year I picked up my teenage sport of amsteur boxing and wanted to finally compete. I picked up powerlifting again. I also decided I didcnit want to sit in an office all day for work and wnated somethijg more from life… Also, the nagging feeling of not having enough time and feeling behind was there. Mind you my injury and muscle imbalance was still present from when I was 21
At 27 ( current age), I decided this was the year I had to decide on what to do career wise. I continued to train, save and meet women . I started to do overtime at work and do some research on work. I still self treat my skin at home but its no longer a big deal for me. More of a nuisance. A few months in, I had another moment of self reflection . It was more of a panic attack. I was training so much and working so much at this point.
I took it easy with work and training.
Currently and present date, Ihave taken time off my security job. I still train and will.compete soon as I took time off training. I have been promoted to middle.management for work and have been offered a new job.in sales as a contractor with a whole lot more pay.
Yet I still feel behind. A nagginf freling of not living tocmy potential.and running out of time. I also have so much ambition to achieve so much. I dont know what is going on with me.
Today i finally saw progress in improving my muscle imbalance. It will take a month or so to get better but ai will be able to compete in my sports once its better.
Taking all this into account, why do I still have s nagging freling of not being accomplished? I feel like I can do so much more . My gut tells me I can achieve so much. I compared myself and my paycheck mainly.and feel like I was given the shit end of the stick by life due to the years of restriction.
Is this depression? What is this? I need an objectivew view on all this as I want to conquer my life. The last 2 years I feel like I have actually lived and ai want to continue this.
Read more: reddit.com