Bit of background : always been depressive, anxious, panic attacks in the past few years, lonely until about 35 year old, then started dating a few girls, and found someone I actually fell in love with (whatever love is, I believe this is it, as we both feel totally free and ourselves with each other, and are looking for each other. Also, just good feelings that don't need words and "why not go through lives together", despite my fear/anxiety of being "an adult", and having children)
Now where I'm at is pretty strange : these past months I've been trying to make everything right (doing sport, art regularly, eating well, etc), and help my girlfriend with this. We were both motivated and I had a really good streak of motvation and happiness for basically a whole week. No more panic attacks, everything feels good, motivation to create things I can sell, etc. But…as I was at peak happiness, I basically started drowning in depression again for no reason. And not a small one, the kind that numbs me so much I don't even want to do anything. This might pass tomorrow, or in one week, hardcore depression comes and goes, but…instead of ignoring it and waiting for it to pass, I'm wondering if I'm not missing anything and if I should not go deeper and try to dig out and find the wound(s) and do something with it instead of turning my head the other way until it passes (and comes back later)
Thing is, I don't think I have any scars, even small ones. My parents were always great, I always found friends despite being a loner…People usually have so kind of trauma to fix, even small, but I don't know about mine. And if it's something that's in my very early childhood, I don't think I call recall anything from there. So basically…I don't know which way to go. I know there's no magic pill for this kind of stuff, but if there is some kind of practice (or any advice, really), grounded or more "occult" that would be eye opening for me (besides drugs, cause my anxiety would destroy me, I tolerate less and less things of the sort in my body as I'm very sensitive).
Don't know what to do and I have pretty dark thoughts (I don't think I'm on to commit suicide at all, but I feel so drawn underwater despite my efforts, it's very frustrating). Forgot to add, I have a heart condition that's not dangerous so far (and this may not help live in the present and think about our fragility and the fear of death).
Sorry for the vent. Not sure if this is even useful in any way.
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