Uselessness embodied

Tldr: 3 years ago I failed a suicide attempt, now I'm worse than before.

To start, back in 2016 I was a senior in high school. I had never noticed how low and depressed I had gotten until randomly on 9/5/16 i tried to slit my throat and when i couldn't muster the strength i took a lot of any pill i could find. I didn't care what happened to me. This was my first major panic attack, I'll clarify why I call them this later. I didn't know what i had done when i snapped out of it. I looked around, my arms were bleeding, there were empty bottles of pills, and I was covered in sweat and tears. I called my best friend, who forced me to tell my parents. I was taken to the hospital. Got a stomach pump, stitches on my arm where I had apparently tested which knives were sharpest. I stayed there all night, till the next morning. Where I got escorted via ambulance to a mental facility for minors. Since I voluntarily surrendered, I wasn't forced to put it on my record. I was in the hospital suicide ward for 4½ days. Then I got go home again. Granted I still went back there every day for the rest of 3 weeks. I got out feeling better, but I still knew that I had that darkness in me. A few days after release, I got in a serious car accident. Luckily I lived. The other person had a major back surgery the day after the wreck. I felt scared, and alone. But I was also scared of death. It kept me in check while I still lived with my parents, even if they were my biggest source of stress. To fast forward a bit, I struggled with depression a lot in my first and second semesters of college. Got caught doing 155mph, got dumped on valentine's day and told to kms. Yeah lots of shit. First major fuck up that led to my second major break. Dumping my girlfriend for a person I had known for a while then cheating on that person with my then ex, and then a second time by flirting with another girl. I had never done anything so heinous and cruel in my life. About a month later I had been talking with a girl, and she seemed kinda sketch. About a week in to going on dates she wanted to to have sex, I didn't really want to that day. So she said we could do something else instead. She wanted to do sensory deprivation on me. So I said sure. She had tied my up, plugged my ears and covered my eyes. She lied. She raped me. Then I found out through one of her friends she was a lot younger than she had said, but also she had done this to other guys. I end up going to Colorado for a break from it all. I can't get over the fact that I cheated on someone, so I attempt suicide for the second time in my second major break. Skip forward a few months. The girl that raped me is now sitting here blackmailing me and ruining my relationship with the person who I dumped. (We got back together) Along with the stress from that, I had let my anxiety and depression get a hold of me. I started skipping class more and more now that I didn't live on campus. I stayed home more and more, and was doing less and less homework. My grades plummeted. Then comes the start of this year (2019) I went to 2 out 6 classes I had. It got so damn bad I had to withdraw. Which led to my third S/A. Since then I have been desperately trying to find motivation in life. I forgave my father who I had hated (wrongfully) for most of my life. I found what I want to do with my life. The problem is it doesn't necessarily need college. I've been hiding the fact that I still haven't gone to 2 classes from my living girlfriend. Now that you're all caught up, let's get to tonight. I finished streaming video games, and I started to feel pretty bad. So I watched some TV. As I'm watching my mind is everywhere but the show. Its realizing for the second time how fucked of a situation I put myself into. I was able to pull myself out of what would have been my worst break yet. I was second away from plunging a knife into my neck. I know what I need to do, I'm just scared of councillors. I'm scared to trust people. I've been sexually assaulted twice and raped once. So I fear people I don't know. I know I need to talk to someone about this or imma wind up dead. But I'm scared.

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